On Monday, June 22 (today), I will be embarrassing myself on the golf course for what has become the traditional “Hillbilly Putter Challenge” against ESPN 980’s Steve Czaban of The Sports Reporters as part of the festivities of ESPN 980’s charity golf tournament, “True Heroes,” at the Country Club at Woodmore in Mitchellville, Md.
Several years ago, while visiting the Ashville, N.C., area, I found something called “the Hillbilly Putter,” a golf club made from pieces of a tree, and brought it back to Mr. Potomac Cup himself, Czaban, a local golfing legend — as if, for some reason, anyone would want to be a local golfing legend.
I myself would rather stick needles in my eye than either watch or play golf. I know this makes me a very small minority, given the fact that golf is the language of men these days. On the other hand, I would introduce this development as more proof of what an old time cockfighting trainer in Puerto Rico once told me: “There is a battle going on on the world between estrogen and testosterone. Estrogen is winning.”
That would explain Manny Ramirez taking fertility drugs.
One thing led to another, and Czaban and I came up with this challenge where I could use any clubs I wanted, and he would have to use the Hillbilly Putter, on one hole, to see who could finish it in the least amount of strokes. Somehow he managed to beat me, but it was because I had gotten some bad club advice.
This time I am ready. I have been studying golf tapes (actually, just the Honeymooners episode where Norton is teaching Ralph how to play golf and tells him to address the ball by saying, “Hello, ball.”)
So we are doing it again on Monday, with the loser to write a check for the tournament charity, “Operation Second Chance.” I won’t be writing the check.
I will be on The Sports Reporters on ESPN 980 later in the day, from 4 to 7 p.m. Monday, live from Woodmore, to bask in the glory of my victory.