The Washington Times - October 17, 2008, 04:32PM

Reporters and columnists have been desperately searching for the right words, the right simile, to describe the recent fluctuations in the stock market.

Some have used the term “roller coaster.” Others have opted for “elevator.” Still others have gone with “yo-yo.” One sad little writer even used the word “dumbwaiter.”

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While these words do illustrate the up and down trends of the market, they do little to describe what those trends mean to people’s wallets. So I’d like to offer a new simile.

The stock market is like a large pizza with everything on it. But as it falters, that 16-inch pizza becomes a 12-inch pizza. With only one topping. And instead of it being delivered, you have to go pick it up yourself. And you pay more for it.

If the stock market goes any lower, that 12-inch pizza becomes a 6-inch pie with only a cheese topping. (And not a very good pizza cheese, at that. Something like limburger.) And when you go to pick it up, they make you fix it yourself and charge you even more for the privilege.

That’s why I’m switching to sandwiches.