- The Washington Times - Monday, August 7, 2000

Hillary's stump

"Our Convention is Around the Corner."
Hillary2000 Web campaign update, encouraging New York voters to tune in next Monday to see and hear the evening's featured speaker, Senate candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton, address the Democratic National Convention in Los Angeles.

Gore orgy

Now it's the author of Huntington House's "Porn in America," James L. Lambert, weighing in on a congresswoman's fund-raiser to be held at the Playboy mansion during the Democratic National Convention.
In a letter obtained by this column to Rep. Loretta Sanchez, the California Democrat hand-picked by Vice President Gore to be vice chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Mr. Lambert says that to many people the Playboy mansion "represents a culture where women are seen and glorified as sex objects." A regular guest at the mansion previously told the author that "sex orgies" and "multiple group sex encounters" take place there, part of an agenda to normalize "this so-called lifestyle."
True to form, Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, 74, reportedly will attend the Democratic bash with three of his four girlfriends, all in their mid-20s.

Gore road

It remains to be seen to what extent Mr. Gore will distance himself from President Clinton during next week's Democratic National Convention, but if we follow the street signs in today's hilarious photograph snapped by Stephen Henkin of Washington during a recent trip to Canada Gore Road definitely takes us in the opposite direction of Clinton Street.

Scamalot

Jim Guirard served for many years as chief of staff to Democratic Sens. Russell Long and Allen Ellender of Louisiana.

Now a Washington lawyer and government affairs consultant, Mr. Guirard is working on the final draft of a playbill fashioned after Camelot, albeit this one is a history of the Clinton years. Its title: "Scamalot."

"I thought you might like to help popularize some of the attached … frames of reference for what should henceforth be known as the 'Decade of Scamalot,' " writes the lawyer and former senatorial aide.

In this kingdom it is difficult to keep track of all the twists and turns: 30-plus subjects, 35-plus tactics and 35-plus principal perpetrators. Subjects alone include: Whitewater to Castle Grande, Gennifer Flowers to Monica Lewinsky, FBI files to "Travelgate," cattle futures to right-wing conspiracies, Juanita Broaddrick to Paula Jones, health care to China missiles, John Huang to "Money Trie," Lincoln Bedroom to Buddhist Temple, clemency for terrorists to hidden e-mails.

"Clearly, the imagery is one of precipitous and shameful fall from the lofty heights of John and Jackie Kennedy's mythical and heroic Kingdom of Camelot to Bill and Hillary Clinton's ignoble and all-too-real Decade of Scamalot," says Mr. Guirard.

Funny lawyers

A lawyer is out to bust the stereotypes that make lawyers the butt of nasty jokes.
Ron Liebman, a senior partner in the Washington law firm of Patton Boggs and former prosecutor who spearheaded the 1973 investigation of Vice President Spiro Agnew, is out to prove that lawyers are funny, fallible and all too human.
Asking colleagues for amazing but true stories ones they love to tell over and over Mr. Liebman has compiled a new book, "Shark Tales" (Simon & Schuster, due out Sept. 1), that runs the gamut of legal life and experiences, from backwater law offices to the Supreme Court.
There's the witness, for instance, who testified with great passion, "So help me, if that isn't the truth, may God strike me down."
Just then a large ornately carved cornice broke from the ceiling of the courthouse and smashed to the floor directly behind the witness. In the stunned silence that followed, the judge rightly dismissed the witness, who hurriedly left the courtroom perhaps straight to the confessional several shades paler than when he arrived.
Then there's this heart-stopping moment for one defendant:
The Court: Defendant is remanded to the custody of the sheriff, who is ordered to carry into execution the order of the court.
The Defendant: Judge, can I say something?
The Court: Sure.
The Defendant: Did you say, "Executed?"
The Court: No. You got thirty years, Mr. Ashford.
Another judge, however, did impose a death penalty:
The Court: What's the problem?
The Bailiff: Oh, a cockroach was on the exhibit table, Your Honor.
Counsel: Motion to quash.
The Court: Granted.
And finally …
Question: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Answer: All of my autopsies have been on dead people.

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