- The Washington Times - Monday, February 7, 2000

Not too long ago, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani opposed a museum that showed a painting of the Virgin Mary at one with elephant dung.

Predictably, the incredibly sophisticated wrapped themselves in the First Amendment and accused the mayor of being a small-minded Neanderthal.

Obviously, you have to be a mentally gifted person to understand the connection between the Virgin Mary and elephant dung, and it eventually became clear that Mayor Giuliani and many others did not have the necessary brain power to grasp what the artist was trying to say.

To follow this enlightened thinking, a painting of Hillary Rodham Clinton warding off flying cow chips with a spatula, an apt portrait of her eight years in Washington, would reveal a deep intellect.

It is funny how it works in America.

The incredibly sophisticated who believe in the appropriateness of the Virgin Mary with elephant dung find nothing appropriate about John Rocker.

He, too, is a Neanderthal, not unlike Mayor Giuliani, and possibly should be dispatched to a gulag in Siberia in the hope that one day he can get his head right.

Rocker picked on "a kid with purple hair, a queer with AIDS, a dude out of jail for the fourth time and a 20-year-old mom with four kids."

Many of America's leading thinkers, including Bud Selig, have, in effect, come out in defense of kids with purple hair, the behavior associated with AIDS, the criminal element and highly reproductive young women.

Selig, who couldn't look sillier with purple hair, is hoping Rocker sees the light, or goes away, and has ordered a series of punishments to facilitate the process.

Rocker is suspended from baseball until May 1, $20,000 lighter in the wallet and undergoing sensitivity training.

Rocker, in his position as a role model, must be made to realize that his words hurt the good baseball fans of New York City in a profound way.

The fans didn't deserve that kind of vitriol from Rocker, considering their warm response to the pitcher last season. They spat on him. They threw beer on him. They threw batteries at him. As you know, it was all in the spirit of the game.

Unfortunately, Rocker attempted to up the ante with New York City during his interview with a reporter from Sports Illustrated. He probably thought he was being funny in borrowing old material from stand-up comics.

Nobody speaks English in New York City, not a word of it, because everyone is from some far corner of the world, and that makes it frustrating to order a slice of pizza from a guy who only speaks Italian.

By the way, how do all these foreigners get into the country anyway? Well, to be perfectly honest, many cross the Rio Grande or come by raft from Cuba, but that is another story. Hopefully, one day, America will be able to assimilate all the peoples of the world on these shores, except, of course, the French, who worship Jerry Lewis and have a bad attitude toward Americans, possibly because Americans ruined their beaches at Normandy.

Rocker is, really, no longer the point. He is merely a convenient symbol who helps the incredibly sophisticated feel better about themselves.

He can apologize for the next 10 years, and it won't resonate with the incredibly sophisticated. They can read minds, yours as well as Rocker's, and they can distinguish between elephant dung and Rocker ragging on New York City.

Elephant dung is within the boundaries of free speech, while Rocker is outside the boundaries. The former is a celebration of art, while the latter is a job for the infamous Khmer Rouge and their highly persuasive re-education camps.

Rocker is not the brightest bulb around, although not necessarily for the reasons that inspire the incredibly sophisticated. People routinely say dumb things, although usually not to a reporter for mass consumption.

That's a good thing, too.

If America suspended everyone who said something dumb, America's gross national product would plummet to grim levels, and who then would support the 20-year-old woman with four kids?

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky," America's leading role model said.

Bull dung.

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