- The Washington Times - Saturday, January 1, 2000

It's never too late to change even seven years into a presidential run notable for its corruption and downright debauchery, there is still time for President Clinton to make a better man of himself. In that helpful spirit The Washington Times editorial page offers a few New Years' resolutions for our fearless leader to consider:
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will stop wearing a toga and sandals in the Oval Office when I think no one is around to see me.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will admit that that oversize Bible I prominently display when I leave church on Sunday is actually hollow and filled with my favorite snacks.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will quit dying my hair to match the political mood of the day.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will try to remember that the White House is the People's House not Motel 1600.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;There will be no more winkin' at Mizz Albright and tellin' her "We got a thing goin' on… ."
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will return all donations to my legal fund unless they come from my good friends in China.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will remember that Al Gore has been a good boy; he gets to keep a set of White House towels.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will not mail that dinner invite to O.J.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will try to be gracious when Hillary dumps me.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will go public at last and admit that Elvis is the King.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will make no more "recess appointments" to get my way.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will send no more late-night pizza deliveries to Trent Lott's house.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will resist the urge to bomb unpronounceable foreign countries to draw attention away from my latest scandal.
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;And finally:
&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;&160;I will try to restrain myself and carry out the remainder of my term with at least a degree of dignity and respect for constitutional processes. A year from now, I'll be outta here but the country will continue and it's gonna take some time to repair the damage I have done to the office. And so I resolve to keep my appetites under control, and my penchant for skullduggery in check. It's only a matter of months now 'till I'm out of the public eye and can frolic to my heart's content, awash in a sea of greasy fast-food and Astro-turf. So I vow to hang tough and act presidential even if it is only an act… .

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