- The Washington Times - Monday, June 26, 2000

Mike Tyson earned $8 million in 38 seconds against Lou Savarese.

That comes out to $210,526 a second.

That is good work if you can get it.

People with weak bladders missed the fight, if fight is the right word.

Here is a blow-by-blow account of what happened: People sat down in their seats, cleared their throats and watched the referee stop the fight.

Husbands and wives fight more competitively than that. You find more action on a crowded Metro car.

Some fighters can't take a punch. Savarese can't take a light breeze.

He stepped into the ring with wobbly legs and glassy eyes. Then the bell sounded, and he fell down.

It was an easy night for Tyson. It was an easier night for Savarese's cornermen. They only had to ask, "How many fingers?"

Savarese gives Joe Palooka a bad name. He doesn't even make a good bum of the month. The bums would throw him out.

Savarese was in the land of Braveheart, which was ironic, considering he has no heart. If he evokes a character in a movie, it is the Cowardly Lion.

Savarese earned $850,000 to fall down. That is stealing in many countries.

All kinds of people would be willing to fall down against Tyson, and you probably would not have to pay them $850,000.

People stick up 7-Elevens for $20.

Tyson did not pay the two motorists in Montgomery County $850,000, although one received a punch to the face and the other a kick to the groin.

Tyson is the rare pugilist who is a triple threat.

He can punch you out, kick you in the groin or bite you in the ear.

Where do they find these opponents, Savarese in particular? Did Tyson's people sign up Savarese because of his handicapped license plate?

Savarese did not run and he did not hide. He just looked for the softest landing spot. He couldn't fight his way out of a brown paper bag, even if the brown paper bag had a glass jaw.

Savarese is an Italian from the Bronx, which is too bad for Italians and the Bronx.

The best fight in Scotland, stemming from a $650,000 jewelry bill, reportedly was waged between Tyson and promoter Frank Warren.

Tyson threatened to have Warren take a flying leap from the seventh floor of a hotel window.

So as it turned out, Warren was left with three problems. He promoted a 38-second travesty, he has a $650,000 jewelry bill and he can't fly from the seventh floor of a hotel window.

People came to see a fight and they saw a stunt man instead. Savarese did not practice his one-two combination going into the fight. He practiced his pratfalls. This is not to suggest he took a dive. That would be unfair to divers.

Tyson, meanwhile, is talking crazy again. That usually is a sign that he has neglected to take his medication.

"I want your heart," Tyson said, referring to the vital organ that beats inside Lennox Lewis.

That's not all he wants.

"I want to eat your children," Tyson said.

The Lewis children, too.

Given Tyson's eating habits around Evander Holyfield, the threat is not necessarily idle.

America has learned to hide the women and children around Tyson.

Shrinks are another matter. Tyson has more shrinks in his entourage than sparring partners.

But back to the 38 seconds.

That hardly is enough time to pop a bead of sweat. Tyson used to work out harder against Robin Givens.

Incidentally, they call this a sport. The crowd appeared to think it was a scam. Richard Simmons could stand in there for 38 seconds against Tyson. At least Simmons could float like a butterfly.

It is never simple with Tyson. He is the train that keeps on derailing. He probably will line up a blind man as his next opponent. Or a blind woman. People don't necessarily pay to see real competition. They pay to see a wreck, although they would appreciate it if the next wreck lasts longer than 38 seconds.

Tyson's people always could dial Dennis Rodman. The ex-rebounder is free at the moment, and he did express an interest to fight David Stern in the nude last winter.

Man-to-man or nude-to-nude.

Two nudes might make a right.

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