- The Washington Times - Monday, March 13, 2000

Just say no to the NCAA suits in Indianapolis today.

The suits are stuck between a $6.2 billion television deal and St. John's guard Erick Barkley.

The suits are un-American operatives who bleed the young and then act sanctimonious about it. The suits peek into people's closets and then huff and puff after they find Marv Albert's illegal panties.

The suits are pathetic, and unfortunately, they do not limit their version of madness to March.

But enough about the suits.

This is fill-out-your-bracket-sheet day. This is a fun day. This is the day the Michael Jordan-led Pennsylvania Quakers are introduced to America.

How's it going, Penn? So nice to meet you. Stick around awhile. Your team GPA lends a much-needed dose of academic class to the tournament.

You know what the players study at UNLV?

That's easy: understanding and preventing premenstrual syndrome.

At least that was one of Isaiah Rider's areas of study when he was a player at UNLV, which means if he were not employed in the NBA, he would be a gynecologist.

Who's writing your term papers this semester, Minnesota?

You never know with a lot of these teams. You cheer them today. You cringe when their academic dirt hits the media fan.

Let's give a warm welcome to Lafayette, Louisiana-Lafayette and La Bamba.

Long time no see, Hofstra. Try to enjoy your first appearance in the tournament since 1977 and remember to stay focused. Studies show that out-of-focus players commit more turnovers than focused ones.

Here's what Billy Packer says in March: "They need a timeout."

Urgent travel tip for South Carolina State's players: Pack light. One change of socks should just about do it.

Identity crisis conferences: the Mid-American, Mid-Continent, Midwestern and Midwife.

Identity crisis schools: Southeast Missouri State, North Carolina-Wilmington, Michael Jackson State and Hedy Lamarr University.

From the Trans America Athletic Conference comes Samford and Son. Poor Lefty Driesell and Georgia State. They lost to Samford in the semifinals of their conference tournament and must miss the party again.

To the coaches and the bubble teams who did not make the 64-team field: Stop your whining. Who said life was fair?

If life were fair, Tony Soprano would order leg casts for each of the NCAA suits.

Snap, crackle and pop. There goes Kenyon Martin's right leg and Cincinnati's national championship hopes.

SOS from American University's basketball office: ISO miracle-worker who can win a few games and feed the masses with a loaf of bread.

In case you were wondering, Jerry Tarkanian looks like Uncle Fester.

The only way you can tell the two apart is by how they accessorize their mouths. Tarkanian prefers a towel, Uncle Fester a light bulb.

Didn't the ACC use to be a power conference?

Here's what they are saying at Iona: Our coach can beat up your coach.

To be honest, Jeff Ruland probably can beat up Gary Williams with one hand tied behind his back.

Seriously, you have to like Iowa State against Central Connecticut, if only because Tim Floyd is 13-48 with the Chicago Bulls and not 13-48 at Iowa State.

If Floyd and the Bulls were involved, they probably would be the tournament's first 17th seed.

Now back to the regularly scheduled sentences: What's with Winthrop III? Is that a school or the name of an old-money trader on Wall Street?

News flash for NCAA suits: A baby sitter once looked after the 2-year-old Erick Barkley and did not charge the family. That looks like a two-game suspension to this space, minimum. While you're at it, suits, get that corrupt baby sitter's name.

Stanford's Mark Madsen is one of 10 siblings. That makes his high-scoring father a front-runner to be the MVP of the tournament.

It's good to see there's more to Kent than Jack Lambert and four dead in Ohio.

Have a great time, Ball State, Appalachian State, Utah State and Indiana State. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

And finally, to all 64 teams from the newly unemployed Boomer Esiason: Remember, the ground can't cause a turnover.

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