- The Washington Times - Friday, March 24, 2000

Michael Jordan is making the transition to full-fledged business executive.
That is wonderful news, especially for Jordan.
He's happy, you're happy, everyone is happy.
There is so much happiness in the Washington area that it's easy to forget the flying manhole covers.
It is funny how it works with celebrities.
You're supposed to care how Jordan conducts his business. You're supposed to care that Julia Roberts commands $20 million a flick. You're supposed to care about Madonna's sex life.
They live off your care, and live very nicely.
But the relationship cuts mostly one way.
You care for them. But they only have to pretend to care for you, the public, usually in the form of a cause or a charitable donation.
Otherwise, Jordan does not really care if you are having a bad-hair week. He does not care if your vehicle is sputtering. He does not care if you are having communication problems with your boss at work. Nor should he be expected to care. He doesn't know you. You don't know him. Isn't that how it is supposed to work?
The two worlds yours and his are distant.
Jordan wants to exert more control over his name and image. You want to find a way to, you know, get along with an attitudinally challenged mutt.
She barks too much. She eats too much. She demands too much. She is a very needy mutt.
You think you have issues. Try living with a dog that has four persistent notes: bark, food, catch, outside.
Of course, she has been warned. She has been told to relax and be less expressive. But she remains resistant to change, and therapy probably is the next step.
Jordan could offer to help, but it probably wouldn't do any good. She only would bark at him if he came to the door. The mutt is not easily impressed and prefers a tennis ball over a basketball.
In the context of an attitudinally challenged mutt, Jordan's pursuits in the business world are empty.
If it's not the attitudinally challenged mutt, it's the threatening letter from a medical center in the city.
The balance due is $2,672, and if the medical center does not hear from you within 10 days, your credit rating will be mud, and if that doesn't motivate you, maybe the medical center will hire someone to break your legs.
And then where will you be? Out more money and on crutches at a different medical center.
Nothing against Jordan or Julia or Madonna, but $2,672 is a serious issue and limits your relationship with them.
For one thing, you can't afford to buy another pair of Jordan's shoes.
You possibly can go see one of the flicks starring Julia or Madonna, but not both of them, and to save a couple of dollars, you are obligated to wear a bulky coat in order to smuggle a drink, popcorn and candy onto the premises of the theater.
To be honest, the popcorn issue, in particular, is a whole lot more significant than whether Julia and Eraser Head remain friends.
Too many theaters buy these incredibly large plastic bags of popcorn that sit around forever. Then the theaters charge you a ridiculous price to splash some oily stuff on the popcorn.
Julia and Eraser Head can be friends, or they can be enemies, and you are fine with it either way, but please, you want your popcorn to be hot and fresh and to have real butter melted over it.
Is that too much to ask?
You want answers and you get the trivial and banal instead.
Jordan is positioning himself to move up the business ladder, and Julia is Erin Brockovich now, showing a lot of skin, and the good old Material Girl is now the Maternal Girl, and somehow, it is all supposed to be breathlessly meaningful to the average American.
Jordan drinks Gatorade, eats Ballpark Franks and wears Hanes underwear. You have an attitudinally challenged mutt, a $2,672 debt and a popcorn issue.
There is no common ground unless you count the mutt's attitude adjustment around Ballpark Franks. She does like her Ballpark Franks.
But not to mislead Jordan or anything, the mutt's favorite source of nutrition is a grilled cheeseburger.

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