- The Washington Times - Monday, November 6, 2000

Zero margin

One shopping day left and we can finally choose which of the two leading presidential candidates Al Gore or George W. Bush will occupy the Oval Office come January.

The best thing about picking a new president, though, is we won't have to hear the results of another presidential poll for quite some time. When the final vote is tallied tomorrow it will be President Bush or President Gore, with a "zero" margin of error.

Five-year terms

Nathaniel Coates IV is wondering if any politician will even be eligible to hold elective office over the next five years.

"On the bottom of the return envelope for my absentee ballot," he notes, "there were several things listed that could earn you a $10,000 fine and/or up to five years in jail. The one that caught my eye was bribing or intimidating voters."

Enough said

We're told top aides at the Bush campaign headquarters in Austin were in hysterics upon hearing that network television is developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock, driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm Gay and I'm Here to Take Your Guns."

If anybody finishes, they win.

Pass it on

In September, we wrote that the Environmental Protection Agency was looking into an e-mail purportedly circulated by the EPA's chief administrative law judge, Susan Biro, that smelled of presidential politics.

"The state of Texas, under the leadership of Governor George W. Bush, is ranked: 50th in spending for teachers' salaries, 49th in spending on the environment, 48th in per-capita funding for public health …," the judge's e-mail began.

Now, House Science Committee Chairman Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner Jr., Wisconsin Republican, informs EPA Inspector General Nikki Tinsley that yet another high-level EPA official has apparently mistaken politics for pollution.

"It has come to my attention that an EPA manager is sending e-mails endorsing a political candidate and requesting other EPA employees and EPA contractors to pass on this information," the congressman writes.

"I am very disturbed that an EPA employee appears to be using government time and property to campaign for a presidential candidate and request that you investigate this matter immediately."

Mr. Sensenbrenner attached a copy of the official's e-mail, asking the IG for an "expedient review."

If you didn't guess, the e-mail was pro-Al Gore.

Clinton memorial

"Here in Alpine, Texas," writes reader Bill Davenport, "we were fortunate enough to have a new post office open for use in September of this year. Many of us were stunned to read in the local paper that this was the 'William Clinton Post Office.'

"What actually happened was that the usual plaque was installed just inside the front doors showing that the post office was erected in 2000 and that William Jefferson Clinton was president.

"Wednesday, November 1st, when I went to pick up my mail, I noticed that somebody had placed a piece of masking tape just above the president's name. On the tape was the note 'Impeached 12-19-1998.' On Thursday, the tape was still there."

Sample ballot

Where the candidates stand on the question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Democrat Al Gore: "I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them."

Republican George W. Bush: "I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road."

Democrat Joe Lieberman: "I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way."

Republican Dick Cheney: "Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself."

(Democrat Bill Clinton, who forgot he is not running for any political office tomorrow: "I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by 'chicken'? Could you define 'chicken' please?").

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