- The Washington Times - Friday, July 27, 2001

Steve Kaplan is watching again, this time as Andruw Jones is engaged in the throes of passion with two women.

Kaplan is the owner of the Gold Club in Atlanta who apparently likes to watch men and women exercise their rights to be free and easy, especially easy.

Kaplan watched a couple of women work on Patrick Ewing's pent-up anxieties in a special room at the strip bar. He also watched Jones and two women consummate their sudden affection in a hotel room in Atlanta.

At this pace, Kaplan is becoming a sight for sore eyes.

Does he make house calls, too?

Some guys like to visit a dominatrix. Other guys like to watch a guy with a dominatrix.

Watching must be habit-forming.

Honk if Kaplan has been to your bedroom or the back seat of your car.

Boys will be boys, and girls will be girls, and Kaplan possibly will be there to witness the heated action. He is the addendum to the birds and bees.

It takes all kinds, and to hear the testimony in Atlanta, Kaplan is the kind who invites you to a party, and the next thing you know, two women are "doing lesbian action."

Jones, an outfielder with the Braves, did not reveal if the two women play in the WNBA.

Jones inspected the goings-on between the two women and decided that two's company and three's an orgy.

Kaplan, meanwhile, took mental notes and pictures, perhaps as part of a larger study. He may not be a Peeping Tom at all. He could be a disciple of Alfred Kinsey, merely chronicling the full dimensions of human sexual behavior.

In that context, that's two women and one man thrashing around, plus Kaplan and the other male spectators in the room. If you're keeping score at home, that goes down as an HR.

This is not a trial in the usual sense. This is an episode of the Jerry Springer show, titled, "Strip club owners who play ball with famous athletes."

It does not matter if you're a football player, basketball player or baseball player. Kaplan is an equal opportunity voyeur.

You can't tell the players without a scorecard. You even can't tell the players without an identifying characteristic.

If Kaplan sends you a party invitation, you are obligated to practice your heavy breathing technique. His is the only party where clothes are discouraged and a good night's sleep the night before is mandatory.

Kaplan is there to lend support and, if necessary, lead the cheers. That's two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar, all for the "lesbian action," pull up a chair and holler.

As Ewing testified, Kaplan, as well as the general manager of the club, sat next to him while the women performed their unique services. Some men might construe the additional eyes as pressure, no different, in a way, from having to provide a sample at a fertility clinic.

What is this trial about again, besides everything you ever wanted to know about an athlete's sex life but were too afraid to ask?

When an athlete tells you how hard he is working out in his off hours, now you know how to follow it up. Is that with Kaplan in attendance or not?

Jones, incidentally, wants to put the embarrassing incident behind him. He must be nuts on top of everything else. This is a variation of the nuts and sluts defense that used to emanate from Bill Clinton's White House.

If nothing else, prosecutors appear to have shown, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Kaplan likes to watch. He is the solution to every guy's dry spell.

Do you feel lucky? Luck, in fact, has nothing to do with it if Kaplan is around. He eliminates the need to have a pickup line. First names also are unnecessary. No money or Viagra is exchanged. Kaplan has only one stipulation: "Mind if I watch?"

Seriously, this trial confirms that Gary A. Condit can't be everywhere at once. As secretive as Condit tried to be in his love life, he would show up in Atlanta with a fake beard, passport and $10,000 in cash.

To be fair to Kaplan, not every guy watches out of some depraved motivation. Some guys watch for educational purposes. Some guys also read Playboy magazine for the articles.

It is no wonder Kaplan is up to his eyeballs in trouble. All he did with his life was watch.

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