Olympics Special: Ancient Greece

A wise man — probably a Biblical prophet, possibly the guy who brought us the “American Pie” trilogy — once noted that there is nothing new under the sun. In the case of the Athens Olympics, that is only half-true: Unlike its ancient predecessors, the modern Games will feature Internet updates, maudlin NBC profiles and something called rhythmic gymnastics. Not to mention bottled water at 16 Euros a pop.

Otherwise, not much has changed.

Dodgy logistics. Sporadic scandal. Naked idolatry. From crooked judges to overpriced grub, the classical Games had plenty in common with our modern festival of peace, brotherhood and THG — including the aforementioned Aegean sun. Which remains blistering.

Speaking of blisters: Antiquity’s athletes competed sans clothes, in part to celebrate the human form, in part because Lycra had yet to be invented. Add in an ancient fondness for slathering their extremities in olive oil, a natural browning agent, and, well, ouch.

“I’m surprised that the Olympics are in the middle of August,” author and Olympic historian Tony Perrottet says. “It’s likely to be 110 degrees. People used to collapse from heatstroke at the ancient Games. Until 150 A.D., there was no reliable water supply.”

Then again, Aristotle and Co. didn’t have to worry about blackouts. Still, if today’s Games are a lurching, teetering affair — forever buckling under their own bloat — then yesteryear’s Olympics were a lurching, teetering affair without the benefit of central air. Ask Perrottet, whose book “The Naked Olympics” presents an unvarnished look at antiquity’s premier sports spectacle.

“We have a sentimental view of the ancient Games,” he says. “People running around in tunics, playing lyres, sort of ethereal. In reality, they were crass and messy.”

Were they ever…

The Olympics could kill you

The Olympic marathon will be run in the footsteps of history: Some 2,500 years ago, a herald named Phidippides legged out the same 26.2-mile route between Marathon and Athens to announce a Greek victory over invading Persians. Exhausted, he promptly dropped dead.

This is no coincidence.

While Greece will spend billions to protect the current Games from chemical attacks and dirty bombs, old school sports fans had to worry about sunstroke and, er, dirty everything. No lie. According to legend, a master once threatened his disobedient slave with a visit to the Olympics.

Apparently, whipping was seen as too lenient.

Just getting to ancient Olympia was no mean feat. Modern fans face three-hour international layovers and fungus-laden airport showers; ancient spectators braved a treacherous hike through crumbling mountain paths that could cover 200-plus miles.

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