- The Washington Times - Friday, August 6, 2004

It was shocking and offensive, the jingoistic actions of the Americans in the stands in Cologne, Germany, where the U.S. basketball team defeated Germany on a last-second heave by Allen Iverson two days ago.

You would have thought we won the gold medal, given the unthinking, unfeeling, unyielding chant of, “U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A.”

We are sorry, Germany, so sorry.

We are sorry for the overheated displays of a few “Ugly Americans” in the building. We are sorry if they have caused an international incident. We are sorry if their clutching of the American flag violates you.

They have been told. They have been warned. They have been urged to renounce their patriotism in preparation of the impending chaos known as the Athens Games.

They have been told to wave a Palestinian flag as a gesture of international goodwill and reach out to the head-removing vermin who subscribe to the tenets of the “religion of peace.”

We have discussed all this at length in America. We know this is not a good time in the world, and we know it is our fault. Specifically, we know it is George Bush’s fault, Halliburton’s fault, Donald Rumsfeld’s fault and the fault of the Fox News Channel and all the fire-breathing conservatives on talk radio.

We have this on good authority from Michael Moore, a propagandist who endorses the political position of the head-removing disciples of the “religion of peace.”

It was so sad to see the Americans in Cologne ignoring the national memo on how to behave in a subservient manner around the people of the world.

The good news is that Bruce “Born in Syria” Springsteen is going on tour to set straight the last few Bush holdouts in America.

We never should have gone into Iraq alone, not counting the “coalition of the willing.” We never should have removed the human exterminator known as Saddam Hussein. Although he had one or two shortcomings as a leader, we should have been able to work with him.

So we get it now, and we understand why the rest of the pro-Saddam world is angry with us.

We embrace the opportunity to walk with bowed heads on the global stage of the Olympics.

We look forward to releasing a couple of white doves into the polluted air of Athens, wearing a John Kerry campaign button and carrying around a glossy photograph of Yasser Arafat that can be pulled out to ease a potentially tense social situation.

If all else fails, we know to say: “Yasser, Yasser, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can.”

Arafat, being the statesman that he is, has ordered his bomb-packing nut cases to spare the Athens Games. As he might point out, why spoil the fun of the Olympics when there are so many Jews left to be blown up?

This is the global hypocrisy of the moment, and we must do what we can to show we are so much more than the land of Halliburton. Maybe our athletes should wear the blue helmets of the United Nations or the famous panties of the Baghdad prison during the Opening Ceremonies.

Maybe we should solicit the help of our deepest thinkers and dispatch them to Athens as de facto ambassadors. We could send President Martin Sheen and a cabinet of the Dixie Chicks, Whoopi Goldberg, Meryl Streep and Al Franken.

We still have time. We can make this work. Consider the Americans in Cologne to be an aberration.

The NBA players in red, white and blue appear destined to do their globe-rallying part. It is doubtful they even will reach the medal round of the basketball competition after losing to Italy by 17 points and barely beating Dirk Nowitzki and four guys rounded up from the streets of Cologne.

America’s domination in basketball is so last century, thanks in part to the absence of Shaq, Kobe, KG and T-Mac.

The rest of world is certain to cheer that.

All the rest of the world is really saying is just give the head-removing, bomb-packing, Allah-chanting cockroaches a chance.

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