- The Washington Times - Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Thou shalt not

“There are only a few locker room commandments. No music after a loss. The most comfortable chairs go to the veterans. The rookies carry the bags and buy the doughnuts. And no man should covet his teammate’s spouse, nor his girlfriend, nor even his mistress.

“If an athlete wants to play it completely safe, he should never follow the lead of Karl Malone and … sidle up to [former Los Angeles Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant’s] 22-year-old Latina wife and tell her he’s ‘hunting for little Mexican girls’ … and allegedly ask, ‘Do you like me?’ …

“Sleeping with your teammate’s wife isn’t typically the best way to build team unity. Neither is suggesting, like Karl Malone, that you’d love to spend quality time with your teammate’s wife if given the opportunity. … Such a breach of clubhouse conduct is enough to allow Kobe Bryant to portray himself as the victim of poor sexual etiquette.”

Josh Levin, writing on “Locker Room Affairs,” Dec. 22 in Slate at www.slate.com

‘Passion’ passed over

“Both the Golden Globes and the Broadcast Film Critics passed over ‘The Passion of The Christ’ for any major nominations this year. The American Film Institute made no mention of ‘The Passion’ in its 2004 best films of the year announcement. And according to USA Today’s Oscar Oracle, ‘The Passion’ isn’t on the radar screen for even a single nomination when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences hands out nominations at the end of January.

“‘The Passion of The Christ,’ one of the most powerful, commercially successful, and, by any measure, brilliant films of the year is being utterly rejected by the Hollywood elites this award season, demonstrating yet again their tone deaf disdain for all things middle-American. …

“Red Staters may have won on Election Day. But the cultural elites will always have Hollywood.”

Patrick Hynes, writing on “Oscaring Mel Gibson,” Dec. 22 in the American Spectator Online at www.spectator.org

Plus and minus

“Fat chicks are good, no matter how many unnecessary calories they consume. But, wealthy, big male athletes are bad — very bad — because they ingest steroids. …

“[C]ompare the number of pro athletes who’ve died from taking steroids to the number of Americans who’ve died from obesity or related conditions. …

“The only pro athlete who comes to mind as hitting rigor mortis early from steroids is former NFLer Lyle Alzado. But how many Americans have died from caloric over-endowment? A heck of a lot more.

“Yet, instead of outrage over the calorically-gifted segment of the populace and their addiction to muffins and Krispy Kremes, we’re supposed to be upset about Jason Giambi … and Barry Bonds. …

“At the same time, they’re asking you to cheer on the fact that there are stores for the size 16-plus set. …

“A recent outing by plus-size ‘supermodel’ Emme with her group of fat-chick buddies included a screening of the movie ‘Curves,’ a celluloid celebration of cellulite. Afterwards, Emme complained that real supermodels (the thin kind) aren’t called ‘minus-size models.’ How punny.”

Debbie Schlussel, “Fat Chicks, Good; Big Guys, Bad,” Dec. 21 at www.debbieschlussel.com

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