Playing the role of author

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily … celebrity children’s books are such a scheme.

OK, maybe that’s a little harsh. But consider the long and growing list of celeb authors: Madonna, Billy Crystal, Jay Leno, Julie Andrews, Spike Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, Shaquille O’Neal, John Lithgow, Jamie Lee Curtis…

Isn’t there something a little suspect about this roster, something that sets off your greed-dar?

Billy Joel is the latest addition; his “Goodnight My Angel” is due in September from Scholastic, “Harry Potter’s” U.S. publisher. A second, “New York State of Mind,” is slated for next year.

The man can’t operate a motor vehicle safely. What makes him think he can write a children’s book?

The children’s book market is a tough one, according to Random House spokesman Stuart Applebaum. “It’s the parent and not the kids buying the book, and adults are very selective about what they buy for their children,” he told CNN.

Still, the genre has its attractions for the busy and risk-intolerant celeb. For starters, a children’s book, unlike, say, a new CD or a movie, requires relatively minimal effort. Children’s books are necessarily short; the job of illustrating them is arguably more labor-intensive.

For another thing, children’s books aren’t like that other crossover into celebrity authorship, the autobiography. The possibility of a children’s book not selling well poses less risk of reputation deflation.

Consider: If ex-president Bill Clinton wrote a children’s book — don’t laugh — and it bombed, he might have to endure a day or two of mostly respectful ridicule in the media.

But if his forthcoming memoir “My Life,” for which he reportedly received a $10 million advance from Alfred A Knopf, bombs, that would qualify as politically significant.

If a children’s book succeeds — Madonna’s “The English Roses” has sold about 500,000 worldwide — then great. If not, it’s no skin off their noses. All upside potential, no downside risk. Nice, huh?

My hunch is that money is at best an ancillary motive for these author wannabes.

One notices two characteristics about this crop of celebrity authors: They’re already filthy rich, and they’re often approaching mid-, even late-midlife.

For a rich, aging celebrity, a children’s book offers something guilt-free. It’s a way to, as they say, “give something back,” especially to children.

After decades of striving and careerism, a children’s book is, perhaps, the celebrity’s way of reconnecting with reality, with normal family life.

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