Life stops for ultimate timeout: Super Bowl

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Any second now, the entire known universe will grind to a halt; planetary orbits and the diffusion of gamma rays will be affected, as will the space-time continuum.

Stand clear. It's Super Bowl Sunday.

There really is a football game in there somewhere. Really. According to some experts, a football may be involved.

Guttural human noises and primitive behaviors should be expected. Tribal instincts will come into play, along with ritual food and distinctive language patterns. Unusual messages will be shared, oaths repeated. There will be hollering. In the aftermath, large men will sit in a semicircle to divine the meaning of it all by grunting and pointing at hieroglyphics.

A billion TV viewers in 225 countries are expected to witness this momentous event on Earth alone. Of that billion, 999,999,999 of them will be praying Mick Jagger doesn't have a wardrobe malfunction at halftime.

There is no word yet about the intergalactic audience, though Nielsen is working on it.

And now, behold, Super Bowl XL -- as in 40. Four-oh. Oh. Oh. This is a daunting cultural moment, indeed.

Pre-game programming -- this involving large men in expensive suits grunting and pointing at hieroglyphics -- began, well, wasn't it sometimes around 1914? ABC Sports and ESPN will offer more than 100 hours of Super Bowl fare for a game that will last, technically, an hour.

Is there room for any more stats, rosters, match-ups, scouting reports, information, disinformation, factoids, trivia, little-known facts, dismal theories, dream teams, game-day hints or textbook examples of quarterback paranoia and fan obsession?

What? John Madden is not going to share his theory of relativity with us? Well, heck.