- The Washington Times - Saturday, January 7, 2006

As a Canadian I’ve endured almost 25 years of unbridled, unchecked and unwanted ultra-left-wing “utopian” social engineering. Its origins can be traced to the Constitution of Canada that was introduced back in 1982. Often while traveling, I’ve been asked by many of my American friends, to put into laymen’s terms what this ideal of “utopia” means and how it affects the individual living in Canada. This question was no more relevant than when my friend from Kentucky asked me the other day why we don’t have TV game shows up here.

That got me thinking. …

“Dick Smith, come on down. You’re our next contestant.”

How lucky to represent my group at this great event, I thought. We were all there: black, white, Asian, native, gay, etc. So many groups that I lost count after a while. We all had our own little spot and little microphones next to the stage. The only thing that seemed out of place was that we were all in our own little sound-proofed booths. It was so we couldn’t hear what the others bid. That would be unfair.

Our host, Mr. Sing, waved his hand and brought out the first prize. It was a fur coat from China. Not a real fur coat, I was told, because that would be just wrong. Mr. Sing asked me how much I thought it cost. To my surprise, my guess was the closest.

My assumption that cheap Chinese prison labor wouldn’t add much to the price must have paid off. So up onto the stage I went.

Mr. Sing then brought out a brand new G.M. Hummer. “First,” he said, “all you have to do is tell me which of these five products — a stick of gum, a hair brush, toothpaste, shampoo or deodorant is less than five dollars, not including tax.” I tried to listen to the announcer as she described the products but she spoke only in French.

I guessed the stick of gum.

To my shock, I was right. “Now,” he said, “tell me the correct six-digit price of the car and it will be yours.” I tried but didn’t even get close. I asked him if he had thought that the price was a little steep for a car. He told me to just imagine the price if the government of Canada had not given General Motors a $465 million subsidy.

Yeah, I wondered.

Mr. Sing said we should hurry up or we would ruin our live show. Live show. I thought this was tape-delayed. “Oh no,” he replied. “It is the only way to broadcast without interfering with the Canadian Content rules, since all the products on the show were made outside of Canada.”

Made sense to me.

So off I went to spin the big wheel. There were four contestants: two male, two female, and each gender had its own wheel. I listened as Mr. Sing explained the rules. It was simple: The one closest to a dollar or lucky enough to hit one dollar without going over would be the winner. For the females, they get two spins of their wheel if they don’t get a dollar the first go-round. But in any event, should they spin twice, their two spins always added up to 95 cents. On our wheel, I get two spins as well. But if I spin more than once, I have a good chance of going over a dollar.

I was the last to spin. The females each got 95, the other male contestant spun twice and as predicted, went over a dollar.

I couldn’t believe my luck. I hit one dollar. So there I was in the showcase showdown.

It was between this nice old lady and me. She said she was hoping to win a prize for her grandson so she could pawn it off for some decent cash to help him from defaulting on his student loans.

Our first showcase prize was a reconditioned, almost new washer-dryer set that had been electronically enhanced to work only in off-peak energy hours with minimal water use. I was asked if I wanted to bid or pass. Remembering the little old lady, I figured she probably could get a good price for that thing on the environmentalist black market. So I passed.

Then they brought out my prize.

It was a two-week, all-expense-paid trip to the Mayo Clinic. It looked great, yet I wasn’t sure. I asked if two weeks would be long enough to get to the head of any lines there.

Mr. Sing said there were no lines. I couldn’t put my offer in fast enough. …

I was about to explain to my friend why we don’t have game shows in Canada, but instead I told him it’s because they’re just not any fun.

JASON WERBICS

Mr. Werbics is a writer, who now spends most of his time working and traveling in the United States.

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