- The Washington Times - Thursday, May 4, 2006

If there is indeed no such thing as bad publicity, then the world’s most famous Scientologist is a master of self-promotion. Intentionally or not, he stoked interest in last year’s “War of the Worlds” with his demented, televised avowal of love for Katie Holmes. In advance of today’s release of “Mission: Impossible III,” Mr. Cruise fathered the world’s most famous Scientologist baby. The question arises: What might he do to promote his next movie?

Hit the lecture circuit Remember, he knows what “glib” Matt Lauer does not: the history of psychiatry, and why antidepressants are so pernicious. Expect a national speaking tour.

Find a new wife — While remainng married to Katie Holmes. Who says “Big Love’s” Bill Paxton should have all the fun? And heaven knows Mr. Cruise can afford it.

Fly solo around the world— Mr. Cruise is attached to play World War II pilot Billy Fiske in Michael Mann’s “The Few” in 2008. What better opportunity to match the aviational prowess of fellow Scientologist John Travolta? Echoing President Bush’s famous aircraft carrier landing, the stunt could be called “Mission: Accomplished.”

Perform open-heart surgery — The personal sonogram machine was just the beginning. Mr. Cruise is no mere embryologist. For his next trick, he will perform open heart surgery on Matt Lauer. With chopsticks.

Become a Theta Clear — According to Scientology theory, a Theta Clear is someone who can operate “without need of a body.” It will be Mr. Cruise’s ultimate publicity stunt: After his body’s gone, we won’t have him to kick around anymore.

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