- The Washington Times - Wednesday, February 7, 2007

The region is in the midst of an arctic blast, which is “an inconvenient truth” to those who preach the gospel of global warming.

If this is global warming, we want to sit it out, preferably in front of a fireplace. As you know, those in the enlightened blue states think the sky is falling, while those in the unenlightened red states are in deep denial. Meanwhile, here on the East Coast, we do not really care what is what at the moment, for we are immersed in an awful kind of cold, an Al Gore raging kind of cold that cuts to the bone.

At this pace, we’ll be able to walk across the Potomac River in a couple of days. Or drive our vehicles across it if the bridges are overburdened with rush-hour traffic.

This impregnable front is even impervious to all the hot air being spewed from the gasbags on Capitol Hill. As it is, we are doing our best to heed the advice of the hypothermia-obsessed specialists on the airwaves. We do not go outside in a T-shirt and shorts. We do not wear flip-flops. We do not go sunbathing in the snow. And we do not consume anything that has trans fats in it. Not in this weather.

To be honest, it is not easy keeping it all straight, all the do’s and don’ts of modern life. You can’t go anywhere these days unless you are packing a cell phone, IPod, BlackBerry and a box of laminated business cards, with all your contact numbers: home, cell and office numbers and assorted e-mail addresses.

Now in this treacherous weather, you have to slip on half your closet before leaving the house, plus remember to stay hydrated. Life is becoming ever more dangerous. You could freeze to death or die of thirst this week, neither prospect fun.

At least D.C. Council member Marion Barry is doing his part to make the city a safer place. He has proposed a bill that would allow city residents to register their illegal handguns over a 90-day period, which is certain to face stiff opposition.

City lawmakers would prefer not to tinker with their handgun laws, although criminals are not inclined to follow laws. That is why they are called criminals.

It probably is against the law to rob a convenience store, but that small detail never seems to stop the criminal element.

As tough as it has been around the city this week, at least most of us do not go about our business in the manner of the diaper-clad astronaut. BB gun. Check. Pepper spray. Check. Wig. Check. Knife. Check. Large garbage bags. Check.

Don’t you just hate making bathroom stops on the interstate? Now because of the love-struck astronaut from Rockville, America has learned of an alternative. Who knew of the time-saving feature of diapers? That could be a new marketing strategy of the diaper industry. “Short on time, pepper spray in hand? No problem. Slap on our diapers, and you are good to go.”

The cold snap is sparing no one. It is even tough being a student in the city’s public school system. The boiler has broken, the pipes have burst and the teachers are giving their lesson plans through chattering teeth.

One last reminder: Do not leave your pet dogs, cats and raccoons outside during this frigid period. The cold is hard on them as well.

As for our generally healthy rat population, die, suckers.

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