- The Washington Times - Saturday, January 6, 2007

Per our annual custom, we hereby predict what could happen (or, in some cases, should happen) during 2007. Predictions are listed in no particular order of importance.

Playing Nice. Sens. Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton hold a joint press conference in which each talks so nicely about the other that 10 attending newsmen are overcome with nausea. The event ends when Mrs. Clinton can no longer speak because her face is seized up in a plastic smile. Corrective surgery leaves her with a permanent scowl that doctors say cannot be corrected.

On a Roll. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi awakens to find that her Capitol Hill residence has been “rolled” during the night by parties unknown. Metropolitan police fail to find a suspect. Calling the incident as an “environmental crime,” Mrs. Pelosi offers to donate the toilet paper to homeless people.

Hot Stuff. Former Vice President Al Gore’s limousine gets stuck in a blizzard en route to a global warming conference. Mr. Gore and his driver, plus two female assistants, are stranded for 24 hours. Mrs. Gore files for divorce, and Al Gore names George W. Bush as a causative party on grounds that he caused the blizzard by not signing the Koyoto treaty.

Really Hot. The problem of North Korea’s nuclear arms capability is unexpectedly resolved by a massive nuclear explosion at a production facility outside Pyongyang. Seismologists estimate the blast at 10 megatons. Military buildings within 10 miles of the blast — which experts believe housed all existing NKVD nuclear weapons — are destroyed. The fate of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il is unknown, but Netflix reports his movie-rental account inactive since the event.

Swinging. President Bush announces he will become a Democrat to facilitate passage of his immigration reform bill. But Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean refuses to accept the application. “Without principles, you’re nowhere. Some things just can’t be,” screams Mr. Dean. He petitions the World Court to prosecute Mr. Bush as a war criminal.

Dueling Leaders. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez challenges Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to a duel after she criticizes one of his controversial speeches. Miss Rice accepts, but chooses nurf-balls at 20 paces as the weapons. Mr. Chavez withdraws the challenge but later suggests a trash-talking contest adjudicated by Mad Magazine. (Miss Rice declines.)

Arab Drag. Terrorist mastermind and al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden is arrested at the Funky Terrorist, a clothing store in Greenwich Village, Manhattan. Neighbors say “The Big O” (as he is known locally) opened the shop in late 2003. Mr. bin Laden is charged with operating a business without a license. Islamist radicals protest the arrest by bombing the New York clothing district.

Foley’s Folies. Former Rep. Mark Foley becomes an exotic dancer at the Folies Bergere where he meets a Harvard professor whom he later marries in Boston.

Loony Toons. Muhammad’s image is spray-painted on Paris; Arc d’Triomphe. Muslims are enraged because the Prophet is depicted in gangsta clothing, wearing a handlebar moustache. Islamic mobs destroy most of Paris and the French Riviera, causing $85 billion in damage. An out-of-work building contractor is later accused of drawing the image.

Sporting News (Crossover I). Low-ranking male golfers from the PGA Tour sue the Ladies’ PGA for discrimination, arguing they should be allowed to participate in LPGA tournaments since the PGA has allowed women to compete in their events. The 9th U.S. District Court of Appeals agrees. Men enter and win nine of 10 LPGA tournaments, taking 46 of the top 50 purses.

Sporting News (Crossover II). The Women’s NBA cancels its 2007-‘08 season after the American Civil Liberties Union threatens to bring a discrimination suit similar to the one which gender-integrated the LPGA. When top tennis stars testify before Congress for legislation to undo the court’s LPGA ruling, five congressmen and two senators ask Maria Sharapova for dates in return for their votes.

Religious Diversity. At its annual meeting in May, the National Association of Giant Retailers (NAGR) decides to emphasize Ramadan instead of Christmas for the 2007 holiday season. The diversity attempt bombs (so to speak) when Islamic fanatics blow up four Wal-Mart stores for inventing a goatskin-clad Father Muhammad figure with long white beard and turban. Shoppers sit on their hands, and holiday sales drop to 20 percent of 2006 levels. The stock market crashes and a national recession ensues in which 1,500 retail stores close, including three national chains.

Who is he, really?Bloggers discover Sen. Barak Obama’s smile actually shows 44 teeth. The Roswell Society accuses him of being an alien, and opponents create an anti-Obama web-site, Stopaliensnow.com. Blogs reveal Mr. Obama changed his middle name from “Osama” to “Hussein” in 1993 because his old initials (BOO) were politically unviable.

Excellent Stuff. Former D.C. Mayor Marion Barry announces a run for the presidency as the candidate of the newly formed Tijuana Gold Party. The party’s platform advocates legalized drugs, a guaranteed annual income of $200,000 for all residents (including children), open borders, and automatic citizenship for anyone entering the country.

Scary Dude. The Washington Post’s Bob Woodward declares Newt Gingrich the “scariest man in America” and publishes interviews with (now-dead) Ku Klux Klan members who claim the former speaker was a Klan Imperial Wizard in 1965.

Sporting News (Return of the Hulk). Baseball steroid king Barry Bonds is cast in the title role of a revival of “The Incredible Hulk.” Actor Eddie Murphy plays the non-hulk Dr. David Banner in the new Mel Gibson film.

WOODY ZIMMERMAN

Woody Zimmerman writes a weekly column, “At Large,” in the Atlantic Highlands Herald, an Internet newspaper at www.ahherald.com.

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