Dream Act begins an American nightmare

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Harry Reid, the sniffling land speculator of Nevada, has vowed to resume his fight to award in-state tuition breaks to illegal aliens because of its rightness, fairness and sensibleness.

Mr. Reid reflects the thinking of many of the lawmakers in our region, where it has become the duty of taxpayers to help illegal aliens feel at home, whether it is building day-laborer centers in their honor, providing them with social services or encouraging them not to play by our bureaucratic rules.

Yours is a phony driver"s license? That is not a problem. We understand. America"s racist, bigoted ways forced you into taking this unlawful measure. We are so sorry. Have a nice day.

Mr. Reid is promising to resurrect the Dream Act in the weeks ahead. It is a wonderful piece of legislation if you are living illegally in Texas and always wanted to attend the University of Virginia. You would be allowed to pay the same tuition as the American student who grew up in Virginia. Now if it were Billy Bob applying to Thomas Jefferson"s school, his parents would have to pay out-of-state tuition, which is about three times higher than the in-state tab.

This is because Billy Bob did not grow up with the disadvantages of being an illegal alien. It is tough being the son or daughter of illegal aliens. Your parents are always cleaning toilets or inhaling paint fumes or hanging out in the parking lot of the local convenience store.

These are the jobs that slovenly Americans no longer want to do. In fact, many Americans are now too lazy to pick up a piece of litter on their front lawns. So they drive to the nearest convenience store and hire an illegal alien to complete the exhausting task.

Mr. Reid understands this dynamic all too well. He does not want illegal aliens to be sentenced to a lifetime of cleaning toilets, which is why in-state tuition breaks are so desperately important.

And one day if we ever have a shortage of toilet-cleaning laborers, we merely can erect help-wanted billboards along our borders. By the next generation, Americans probably will be too lazy to even feed themselves. That means we will have to drive to the local convenience store if we are still physically capable and hire those willing to labor with kitchen utensils.

Mr. Reid and the like-minded know our very existence depends on illegal aliens, because we barely are able to wipe our noses now. Illegal aliens now do all our backbreaking work, which could make a person wonder why there is no massage measure in the Dream Act.

It would be smart to provide illegal aliens with weekly massages at taxpayer expense. Who would be the more efficient illegal alien laborer: one who is receiving weekly massages from a professional or one who is not? Consider it an investment in our future.

Mr. Reid should recognize that omitting the massage measure is not who we are as a people. If we are to invest in illegal aliens in ways that we don"t with the suckers who were born in America, we ought to be thorough about it.

Hillary Clinton wants to award $5,000 to each newborn. She should make it $10,000 if the newborn is the offspring of illegal aliens. And we really should consider granting all illegal aliens universal car insurance. Don"t you just hate it when you get into a fender bender with an illegal alien, and the person acts like car insurance is a totally foreign concept? Come to think of it, it possibly is. It is just not fair to expect illegal aliens to live by our rules. That is so xenophobic on our part.

We should celebrate the diversity of illegal aliens and plaster our automobiles with bumper stickers that read: "Illegal alien on board."