- The Washington Times - Sunday, August 10, 2008

So I’m reading about Dolphins boss Bill Parcells reuniting with Jets castoff Chad Pennington, and I’m thinking, I’ll bet Parcells offered the job to his old buddy Vinny Testaverde first, but Vinny’s gerontologist wouldn’t sign off on it.

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Trent Green last year, Chad Pennington this year. The Dolphins must be trying to cut down on their stadium insurance costs. Neither one of those guys, after all, can break a pane of glass.

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The Eagles’ Brian Westbrook, who led the NFL with 2,104 yards from scrimmage last season, is a shoo-in to lead the league in another category this season: addendums. There are 52 pages of them in his recently renegotiated contract, according to team president Joe Banner, who thinks it’s “the most complicated contract I’ve ever seen, not just that I’ve ever done.” Fifty-two pages of escalators, voidable years and so forth? Yikes. There should be a rule in pro football that says: No contract is allowed to be longer than the offensive playbook.

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The reason the contract is for six years, I’m told, is that it’s going to take that long for the two sides to read it.

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Les Bowen of the Philadelphia Daily News on Westbrook’s voluminous deal: “It’s unclear how that much tree killing fits in with the Eagles’ “Go Green” initiative.”

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Topps is issuing two Brett Favre trading cards in its 2008 set - one of Brett poised to receive a shotgun snap (with Vince Lombardi’s face over his left shoulder), the other of him wearing a Packers helmet while riding a lawnmower (a “retirement” card).

Now that he’s a reluctant New York Jet, though, Topps should come out with a third card … of Favre running the lawnmower over Green Bay GM Ted Thompson.

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The first NFL player to get the two-card treatment from Topps was Raiders quarterback George Blanda in 1975. But in Blanda’s case, the company didn’t have much choice. He was in his 26th year as a pro, you see, and all his statistics couldn’t fit on one card.

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David Lee of Beckett.com - the authority on collectibles - reports that the odds of scoring one of the Favre cards is 1 in 12,000 packs. “In other words,” he writes, “you would have to bust more than 300 boxes of 2008 Topps to hit the odds for these rare cards.”

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To be precise, you’d have to buy 334 boxes - at a list price of $57 each. Total outlay: $19,038.

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I just checked; $19,038 is the manufacturer’s suggested retail price for a 2008 Toyota Scion.

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Wonder what the list price is of the lawnmower Brett is riding on. (Looks like a beauty. It’s bright red, and it has a grass catcher bigger than Bubba Franks.)

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Speaking of No. 4, a poll conducted by the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute shows his popularity has plummeted among state residents. A mere 47 percent of the 600 respondents had a favorable view of Favre - compared to 73 percent last December.

And it won’t get any better after he runs his lawnmower over Ted Thompson.

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How long will it be before a New York tabloid writes the headline: So Near and Yet So Favre?

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Or before Jets country is renamed Brettannia?

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Did you see some of our Olympians - cyclists and triathletes - have been wearing black masks over their noses and mouths to “combat” the poor air quality in Beijing? Unfortunately, when they removed their masks, people still didn’t know who they were.

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Calm down, everybody. If a Swiss boat can win the America’s Cup, then Norway can certainly beat us in women’s soccer.

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That said …

Population of Norway: 4.7 million.

Number of female soccer players in the U.S.: 7.5 million.

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Like a lot of folks, I figured the only way our women’s team could lose to the Norwegians is if the tiebreaker was ski jumping.

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Trevor Immelman hasn’t exactly kicked his game up a notch since winning the Masters.

Indeed, on the heels of his final-round 75 at Augusta, he has shot the following scores in majors: U.S. Open: 75-73-72-78-298 (14 over, tied for 65th).

British Open: 74-74-73-73-294 (14 over, tied for 19th).

PGA: 76-77-153 (13 over, missed cut).

Pretty bad. But still not as bad as Jose Maria Olazabal in ‘99. After claiming his second green jacket that year, Olly withdrew from the U.S. Open (following an opening 75) and missed the cut at the British (78-79) and PGA (79-72).

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Had a weird dream the other night. This pitcher was wheeled into the operating room for Tommy John surgery, and when he came out … he was a dead ringer for Tommy John. Same nose and everything.

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Something that might interest Orioles rooters: When he won his 15th game last week, the Yankees’ Mike Mussina - the erstwhile O’s ace - improved his career record to 265-151.

Jim Palmer’s career record: 268-152.

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And finally …

A heartwarming story out of Evansdale, Iowa. Seems a tournament-winning T-ball team of 5- to 7-year-olds - the Walleyes - was disqualified for using two unregistered players. Naturally, they weren’t just any two unregistered players; they were “the two best on the team, if not the league,” a rival coach contended.

Who’s coaching the Walleyes, Billy Bob Thornton?

Note to readers: The Sunday Column will return in September after Dan is finished moving his family to a new bunker in Northern Virginia.

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