- The Washington Times - Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I messed up. Big time. I cheated on my wife and, thanks to those unscrupulous tabloid bottom-feeders, the whole world knows about it. I’ll be honest, I don’t see what the big deal is. OK, so I lied while I was running for president. Yet shouldn’t a man’s private life be private? Sure, I ran a somewhat holier-than-thou campaign while being rather less than holier than thou. But isn’t the important thing that I didn’t love the woman who has cost me my political career?

- John Edwards

Dear John,

I regard as a mortal sin not only the lying of the senses in matters of love, but also the illusion which the senses seek to create where love is only partial. I say, I believe, that one must love with all of one’s being, or else live, come what may, a life of complete chastity.

- George Sand

I just suffered a legal setback, and I’m not sure what to do next. I dated director Tim Burton for almost 10 years - until he ran off with another actress. Maybe it’s because he could actually give her speaking roles in his movies. Anyway, I went to court because we were engaged for years and he promised he’d take care of my financial needs for the rest of my life. He tried to buy me off with just $5.5 million. But you see, I’m only 39. How is that piddly amount supposed to last me the rest of my life?

- Lisa Marie

Dear Lisa Marie,

He who is greedy is always in want.

- Horace

They say blood is thicker than water, but I don’t think it’s thicker than wads of cash. I’ve been forced to sue my father and uncle because they haven’t repaid an $870,000 loan. I waited 24 years to get the money back. Isn’t that long enough? I’m so angry that I’m suing for punitive damages, too. Some people are suggesting this isn’t the way to treat family, but would a real relative try to cheat me this way?

- Richard Dreyfuss

Dear Richard,

It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.

- Johann Schiller

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