- The Washington Times - Sunday, August 31, 2008

This just in: Bill Belichick has announced the Patriots’ final cuts … for the 2005 season.

•••

News item: Bengals receiver Chad Johnson legally changes his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco.

Comment: I haven’t been this excited since Tony Dorsett changed the pronunciation of his last name from DOR-sett to Dor-SETT.

•••

Johnson is always among the league leaders in melodrama and general brattishness. So it’s only fitting we can now refer to him as “The O.C.”

•••

I’ve gotta admit, Ocho Cinco sounds a lot better than Quatre-Vingt-Cinq.

•••

And really, when you think about it, what’s the difference between Chad Javon Ocho Cinco and the San Francisco 49ers?

•••

Or between Chad Javon Ocho Cinco and Pope Benedict XVI, for that matter?

•••

Elsewhere in the NFL, future Hall of Famer Larry Allen, who spent the last two seasons with the Niners, signed a ceremonial contract in Dallas so he could retire as a Cowboy.

How would you like to be the player who got released to make “room” for Allen on the roster?

The poor guy (guard Adam Stenavich) had to go home and tell his family, “I got beaten out by a publicity stunt.”

•••

Speaking of the Cowboys, Adam “Don’t Call me Pacman” Jones was reinstated by commissioner Roger Goodell last week. When he got the word, according to the Dallas Morning News, he was munching on a chicken sandwich at, uh, Hooters.

There must have been a waiting line at Applebee’s or something.

•••

Going to Hooters for the food is like buying Playboy for the articles.

•••

I mean, if the waitresses’ outfits were any skimpier, they’d be NFL cheerleaders.

•••

The Chiefs are finally breaking down and selling the naming rights to Arrowhead Stadium. I, personally, am rooting for Arrow Shirts Stadium.

•••

All 10 Redskins draft picks made the 53-man roster, huh? I’m not sure if that’s a reflection on the draft picks or the roster.

•••

Each morning during training camp, at the beginning of the team meeting, at least one San Diego Chargers offensive lineman would say to coach Norv Turner, “Why don’t you take us to a water park instead?”

Everybody would laugh, and then the club would go about its business.

That is, until one day near the end of camp. On that day, Turner told his players to go outside and get on buses, and the whole squad went to Knott’s Soak City in Chula Vista, where they slid down water slides and rode inner tubes.

“We got four big linemen in one of the inner tube rides,” defensive end Ryon Bingham told Chargers.com, “and we thought all the weight was going to carry us over the side a couple of times. It was really cool of Norv to give us a break and allow us to get out and just have a good time as a team.”

•••

Here’s hoping the Bolts get off to a fast start. Otherwise, disgruntled fans will probably start showing up in bathing suits for games, toting boogie boards and air mattresses.

•••

Can you believe how many college football teams are starting their seasons in August now? Maybe the “D” in D-line should stand for dehydrated.

•••

From Reuters: “Contrary to popular belief and common medical advice, eating seeds, nuts, corn and popcorn does not cause the bowel disease diverticulosis, researchers said yesterday. In fact, nuts and popcorn may even provide some protection from the complications.”

Or to put it another way:

Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjack …

•••

Seats near the foul poles in the Yankees’ new stadium will cost $100 and $75 a game next year. Boy, for that kind of dough, the poles should be adorned with strippers.

•••

The Yankees notified season-ticket holders of the price increases in brochures mailed last week. The brochures also included instructions for performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

•••

The most expensive seats will go for $2,500 - or $202,500 for the full 81-game home schedule. Just wondering: Has a bank ever foreclosed on a box seat?

•••

Memo to the Nationals, who failed to sign their first-round draft pick, pitcher Aaron Crow: You might want to take a look at that 9-year-old hurler in New Haven, Conn., the one who just got banned from his youth league for throwing 40 mph.

•••

Of course, you can understand why the league’s parents are so afraid for their children. Forty mph, after all, is what Jamie Moyer throws.

•••

Seems the husband of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, John McCain’s choice for a running mate, is quite the snowmobiler. Todd Palin has won the Iron Dog, a 2,000-mile race across the state’s frozen landscape, no fewer than four times with three different partners.

This year he was in contention to win One for the Thumb, but his machine, sailing along at 50 to 60 mph, struck a barrel buried in the snow and launched him about 70 feet, the Fairbanks News-Miner reported. “It looked like he hit a roadside bomb,” said his teammate, Scott Davis.

Palin later found out he had a broken arm - but not until he had completed the last 400 miles (and settled for fourth).

“Going 400 miles with a broken arm, that’s impressive,” said the governor, who greeted the First Dude, as he’s called, at the finish line. Asked if her attitude toward the race had changed in light of the accident, she replied, “These are big boys; they make their own decisions. They’re hard-core Alaskans doing hard-core adventures. I totally support him, and I totally support the race. I love it.”

•••

Talk about an interesting couple. They eloped in 1988, six years after high school, Todd told the Anchorage Daily News, because “we had a bad fishing year that year, so we didn’t have any money. So we decided to spend 35 bucks and go down to the courthouse.”

•••

And finally …

Warren Sapp signs on with “Dancing With The Stars.” Charles Barkley agrees to a televised colonoscopy. What’s next, Tony Siragusa spending a week submerged in a water-filled sphere?

Copyright © 2016 The Washington Times, LLC. Click here for reprint permission.

blog comments powered by Disqus

 

Click to Read More

Click to Hide