- The Washington Times - Sunday, December 14, 2008

A recent news report said that mothers today are more likely to sing their babes to sleep with a modern pop song than a traditional lullaby.

I can believe that. About 30 seconds into James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful,” I’m yawning and looking for my blankey.

It kind of makes sense that moms would use modern songs, because nowadays who can relate to any of those old lullabies?

“Rock-a-bye, baby/In the tree top.” Why is there a baby in a cradle at the top of a tree? Who put that there? Has someone called Child Protective Services?


“Sleep, baby, sleep/Your father tends the sheep.” Are you telling me that my dad’s a shepherd? Is that a growth profession? In this economy? Are you kidding me?

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star/How I wonder what you are.” I know what you are — a large ball of hydrogen being compressed by gravity and undergoing nuclear fusion. Next!

“Hush, little baby, don’t say a word/Papa’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.” Yo, Einstein! I’m a freakin’ baby here! I ain’t gonna say a word ‘cause I’m a freakin’ baby, you meathead! Alls I can do is cry. And why is my pop gonna buy me a freakin’ mockingbird? Does he think I’m gonna play with it? Or even feed it? I’m just a freakin’ baby, for crying out loud!

•••

My 20-year-old daughter just discovered that she is an old lady.

She went to see that teenage vampire movie “Twilight” but chose a time and theater that catered almost exclusively to tweens.

I quote from her e-mail to me: “The theatre was packed with squealing thirteen year olds who insisted on talking and texting during the ENTIRE film. They laughed at sensual/serious moments, they giggled and peed their pants everytime Robert Pattinson entered a scene!

“I seriously (and I’m only somewhat ashamed of myself for having to do this) leaned over the seats in front of me to the pack of middle schoolers loudly chatting in front of me and said, ‘Shut up or get out, you twelve-year-olds!’ They cried. …

“I left thinking, ‘Parents need to teach their children how to behave at a movie theatre.’”

Later that week, she told me again about her movie-going experience.

“I paid $10.50 to see that movie. Is it too much to ask for a little peace and quiet so I can hear the movie too?” she told me, her dander rising.

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