Ballpark pits Ken and Barbie against urban dwellers

There goes the previously tranquil, family-friendly neighborhood by the new ballpark on Half Street Southeast.

Or so insist residents, community activists and ANC busybodies who are crunching the basic numbers and coming up with apocalyptic visions. You see, if the new ballpark has a seating capacity of 41,000 and the Nationals have garnered only 5,000 parking spaces at best, there is no way the neighborhoods around the ballpark can assimilate all the traffic and act hospitable to Ken and Barbie from the suburbs.

These are quality-of-life issues that inevitably baffle urban dwellers, many of whom initially gravitate to the city because of its walking-distance proximity to grocery stores, hardware stores, clothing boutiques, bars, restaurants and Love You Long Time spas, only to discover they do not like the noise, the rats and the police raids on the Love You Long Time dens.

So the urban dwellers eventually endeavor to transform their stretch of the urban jungle into the Shenandoah Valley. In neighborhoods all across the city, battles are always being waged against commercial areas that attract lots of traffic, both on foot and in vehicles.

This crush of humanity is called life in the big city, and if it does not appeal you, then you should pack up your belongings and move to Garrett County in Western Maryland. It is very peaceful in Garrett County. Scenic, too. You can be at one with nature there, free of the urban noise, graffiti and aggressive homeless guys who never had a chance in society because of the Bush administration and Halliburton.

Speaking of aggressive homeless guys, there is this one particular nut job who patrols the back-in parking spaces on 18th Street Northwest in Adams Morgan. He motions to an open parking space, a service that serves no particular use unless you are a seeing-impaired motorist. He then rushes to the window of the vehicle and demands compensation.

We have exchanged words a couple of times now. He says he does not allow anyone to talk to him in that fashion. I tell him I must be the exception, because we keep having these exchanges. I have seen this loser harass diners seated on the outdoor patio of the Amsterdam Falafelshop. I have seen him unnerve women who had the temerity to park their automobiles. Alas, the community activists of Adams Morgan apparently are too busy securing voluntary agreements from bar owners to address the aggressive homeless guy.

For now, fear runs rampant in the neighborhood by the new ballpark, mostly because 41,000 Kens and Barbies from the suburbs will take up all the residential parking spaces and leave residents trapped in their homes on game days or game nights. Before construction on the new ballpark commenced, however, these same residents used to be trapped in their homes because of the thugs, drug peddlers and riffraff who plied their unique skills along the arteries by the Navy Yard. But that was different, because it was the fault of the Bush administration and Halliburton. The Ken-and-Barbie onslaught is the result of poor planning.

The Nationals are hoping to provide free parking at RFK Stadium and shuttle Ken and Barbie to the new ballpark, which could become a source of contention with the D.C. Council. As you know, the D.C. Council has a pathological aversion to free parking, unless you are a D.C. Council member. Then you can park anywhere you like and for however long you like, which is possibly the best reason to mount a D.C. Council run.

It is a tough situation with no easy answers. Perhaps the Nationals and the D.C. Council should hold counsel with the aggressive homeless guy who is in charge of parking in Adams Morgan. He has a pretty good parking eye and an obsession with the $5 bill.

The only drawback to meeting with him is you probably should wear a HazMat suit.