- The Washington Times - Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

Ah, the highs and lows of a presidential election campaign. At the beginning of last week, I was the undisputed media star as I made my way around the world, talking with important leaders and finally gaining my first foreign policy experience. But as the trip came to a close, the mood seemed to shift. I did spend most of my time talking serious policy as I attacked this government’s handling of the Iraq war. That’s what opposition leaders do while abroad, isn’t it? I don’t see why people are so upset that I missed out on one little meeting with injured American soldiers. Or that I spent so much time outside the country during election season in the first place.

Did I make any missteps on what seemed to be a spotlight-stealing stroke of political genius?

- Barack Obama

Dear Barack,

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home.

-Winston Churchill

I am completely humiliated. I went to the Sheriff’s Department near Malibu the other night because those pesky paparazzi wouldn’t leave me alone. Well, when I went in to make my complaint, the police just laughed at me. Seriously. They claimed they didn’t know who I was. I have trouble believing this - I was on “Beverly Hills, 90210” for four years! That was only 14 years ago. I guess it’s a good thing I agreed to be on the new “90210” spinoff. What can I do to raise my profile before then? What if the paparazzi stop chasing me?

- Shannen Doherty

Dear Shannen,

What is fame? The advantage of being known by people of whom you yourself know nothing, and for whom you care as little.

- Lord Byron

I’m feeling a little hurt. I just released my third album, and many of the critics have been very hard on it. The public seems to like it - it’s No. 1 here in France. But it seems the critics are judging me not on my merits as a singer-songwriter, but as my husband’s wife - I’m France’s first lady.

They don’t like my reformer husband, you see, and they seem to be taking out their frustrations on me. How can I get these critics to remember how much they loved my debut album, in the days when I was dating rock stars and philosophers instead of presidents?

- Carla Bruni

Dear Carla,

Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic.

- Jean Sibelius

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