- The Washington Times - Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I am bleeping mad. I was invited onto a British talk show called “Loose Women” not really fitting for me, as I’ve had my 15th face-lift, but never mind. During my appearance, I was actually kicked off for letting a couple profanities fly on the air. Imagine, telling a 75-year-old woman to hurry up and make a quick exit during a commercial break. The thing is, I told producers ahead of time to get their fingers on that censorship button. I think I acted fairly, don’t you? Shouldn’t people know by now that I’m a real firecracker? — Joan Rivers

Dear Joan, I am sorry to be informed that the foolish, and wicked, practice of profane cursing and swearing is growing into fashion; I hope you will, by example, as well as influence, endeavour to check it, and that you will reflect, that we can have little hopes of the blessing of Heaven on our Arms, if we insult it by our impiety, and folly; added to this, it is a vice so mean and low, without any temptation, that every man of sense, and character, detests and despises it. — George Washington

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Well, perhaps hell hath no shame like one, either. I want to make sure every little detail of my husband’s bad behavior is known. I’ve already managed to persuade the judge in our divorce hearing to keep the proceedings open. Now I’m looking for some advice on how to get the other woman — well, in this case, girl — to divulge all the dirty details. I’ve made sure she has to testify. — Christie Brinkley

Dear Christie, As a jewel of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion. — The King James Bible

We might seem like two very different people, but we’re faced with the same problem. No, it’s not that we scare men. It’s that neither of us seems able to leave our countries. Just because we were each convicted of the pretty minor crime of lying, we’re getting turned down for visas. He can’t come from the United Kingdom to the United States to play a concert to thank the sanitation workers who helped him get through his community service. She can’t go from the United States to the United Kingdom to get her business back on track. We both want to do Good Things for the world. Is it right for people to want to hurt us like this? — Martha Stewart and Boy George

Dear Martha and Boy George, Verily your deeds will be brought back to you, as if you yourself were the creator of your own punishment. — The Prophet Muhammad