Growing up confused

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Left out of the debate over gay marriage and gay parenting is the potential devastation wrought on the child, said Dawn Stefanowicz, who tells her story of growing up with a gay father and a chronically ill and passive mother in her memoir, "Out From Under: The Impact of Homosexual Parenting."

"I wanted those in authority to realize how their decisions impact families and children," said Mrs. Stefanowicz, speaker, media spokeswoman and home educator living in London, Ontario.

Mrs. Stefanowicz advocates for families and children on the issues of marriage, parenting, sexuality and education, and is a resource for family policy, legislative, medical, research and scholastic organizations. Her Web site, www.dawnstefanowicz .com, serves people who have grown up with a homosexual, bisexual or transsexual parent or parents and provides a network for sharing their stories.

"It's a very moving, brutally honest, first-person account of what it is like to grow up with a homosexual parent," said Peter Sprigg, vice president for policy for the Family Research Council. "It took tremendous courage for her to write this book and go public with her story."

Until she started hearing from others who grew up with gay parents, Mrs. Stefanowicz thought her experience was unusual.

"We often deal with sexuality confusion," Mrs. Stefanowicz said. "Some of us will be challenged in our gender identity. We may have issues of boundaries in the area of our own sexuality and relationships."

Mrs. Stefanowicz said she wrote the book, published in 2007, to give other adult children the opportunity to express their stories while encouraging her own healing. It was not until the death of her parents, Judith and Frank (she does not give their last names in the book to protect their identities), that she felt free to share her story of unmet needs and neglect and to describe the other side of the sexual revolution — that of the unspoken, negative affects on the children of gay parents.

"The child is not the central focus in these relationships," she said. "I felt like a commodity, or a pawn moved around."

However, she emphasized that she loved her father, had compassion for him and admired him for his strong work ethic.

"I'm hoping in the book people understand that I loved my dad throughout," she said.