- The Washington Times - Sunday, November 30, 2008

My biological clock is ticking. Oh, my bad. That’s my stomach.


Did you know it’s illegal to wear a mask and enter a bank and pretend to hold it up for candy on Halloween?

Live and learn.


You know, in the right light, when you tilt your head just so and squint, you look just like Pee-Wee Herman.


Televation — the ability to stand in front of a bank of elevators and correctly predict which one will open for you


I was at the mall and sat down in one of those massage chairs. For a dollar, you can get a three-minute massage.

I had five singles. That was the best 15 minutes of my life. It was like a perfect relationship.

Mall security threw me out. At first, I thought it was because I was making loud noises, but apparently you’re not supposed to lie in the chair on your stomach. They really should put that on the sign.


The problem with do-it-yourself projects is that when they go wrong, you can’t sue the contractor. Even punching him out isn’t that satisfying.


Have you tried that South Beach diet? Let me tell you, it works.

You spend so much to fly to Miami for each meal, you can’t afford to eat.


Fourth-grade movie review of “2001: A Space Odyssey”:

This movie is not like “Cars,” which came out five years after 2001. In “Cars,” there are no people, unlike this movie, which has some people.

In “Cars,” all the cars act like people. They talk and do stuff that people do like eat and fall in love, but they do it like cars. How can cars do stuff without people? It’s a mystery, just like this movie.

“Cars” is animated because real cars don’t talk and do stuff by themselves. At least not when anybody is watching. Maybe in the future cars will talk and do stuff. This movie is supposed to be in the future but it happened like seven years ago. I don’t think there were any talking cars then. It would be cool if this movie had some talking cars in it even if they aren’t animated.

This movie happens in space but “Cars” happens on Earth. It’s more real because the cars are like real people, unlike this movie, even though it has colors.

This movie was long. That’s why they called it an odyssey. “Cars” was much better because it wasn’t too long. It was about a race car named Lightning McQueen that only cared about himself and winning. But he learned to care about other cars when he had to fix a road in Radiator Springs. That was the name of a hick town where he accidentally tore up the road on his way to a big race. He doesn’t like the other cars or the town at first but then he does. He even falls in love with a Porsche named Sally. It’s kind of mushy but that’s OK. That doesn’t happen in this movie.

I did not like this movie as much as I liked “Cars.” That was a good movie, unlike this one.


I really hate it when you order a garden salad, and they serve it with cheese on top.

A garden salad should be made of stuff that grows in a garden.

If you’ve got cheese growing in your garden, forget the salad. Call the exorcist.


Never trust a group of anarchists. They have NO idea what they’re doing.


People on Segways are dumb.

When they’re on one, they can see over everybody else’s heads. They have to wear those crash helmets, and they can spin around on two wheels.

“Oooh, look at me,” you can hear them saying in their heads as they silently zip around and do little maneuvers and think they’re looking SO cool.

People on Segways are dumb.

I wish I had a Segway.


Hey, you Canadians! Stop your sick, twisted experiments with bacon. You keep messing it up.

Stick with beer. You’re doing some good stuff there.


I’m feeling a bit bummed out right now.

On Halloween, when all the neighborhood kids came around trick or treating, I opened my door and scared the bejesus out of them.

That’s why I’m feeling a bit bummed.

I wasn’t wearing a mask.


Pre-emptive pessimism — knowing that somebody somewhere is thinking about doing something that’s just going to ruin it for the rest of us


I was in the men’s room at the airport, and I noticed that someone had placed a vase of fresh flowers on the counter by the sinks.

“What a waste,” I thought. “A woman must have put them there, because no guy is ever going to notice a nice vase of fresh-cut flowers in the men’s room. Guys just want to get in and get out of the men’s room, and no guy is going to take the time to notice —”

Just then a woman started washing her hands in a sink near mine, and I realized I was in the ladies’ room.


Have you noticed that they’ve put little rear-view mirrors on ATMs so you can see the mugger coming up behind you? Now THAT’S convenience for you.


I have a smart phone that vibrates every time I get an e-mail, text message or phone call.

I keep it in my pocket. I get a lot of e-mails, text messages and phone calls every day.

My smart phone and I are very close.

I’m not proud of that.

Read Carleton Bryant’s daily humor blog at http://washingtontimes.com/weblogs/out-context/.

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