- The Washington Times - Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

We’ve always approached life as something to be conquered. It hasn’t always worked - witness the withered vines on Tareq’s family’s old Virginia winery - but now it seems to have finally catapulted us into the big time.

We made the covers of newspapers around the country - including the primo tabloid, the New York Post. We crashed President Obama’s very first state dinner, the hottest ticket in town. We got photos taken with the president, the vice president and other insiders. No one knows how we did it! And we’re not revealing our strategies anytime soon.

Still, we wonder what’s next? Now that we’re so famous, getting on a Bravo reality show almost seems like a letdown.

- Tareq and Michaele Salahi

Dear Tareq and Michaele,

Life is a warfare and a stranger’s sojourn, and after fame is oblivion.

- Marcus Aurelius

We‘re all over the papers, and we haven’t cheated on our partners or attacked a paparazzo. In fact, we thought we were doing a good deed.

You see, we hosted a wedding this week in Australia. We’d never met either the bride or groom before, but that’s what made it so special - we were making the day of a civilian couple.

OK, so we got paid to do it. But does that lessen the joy we brought to them on their special day?

- Jason Alexander and Fran Drescher

Dear Jason and Fran,

Stranger, if you, passing, meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?

- Walt Whitman

This is so embarrassing. No, not that I backed my slow-moving vehicle into a fire hydrant - but that I apparently made up that story to cover up the fact my wife attacked me and my car with a golf club.

I suppose it’s fitting. It’s my golf career that’s given me access to gorgeous women, like the one the tabloids claim I’m having an affair with. But did my wife have to attack me like that? She must have known that one of the most famous and richest athletes in the world was going to be tough to hold onto, right? And how am I supposed to bring home the bacon when I’ve had to cancel my next appearance at a tournament because of my “injuries”?

- Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger,

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned/ Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

- William Congreve

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