Antidote to toxic in-laws

In a perfect world, the holidays would bring out the best in people — even in-laws.

But that’s not always the case.

The holidays can make an already strained in-law relationship even worse, says Susan Forward, a therapist and author of “Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage.”

“It often becomes a tug of war,” Ms. Forward says. “There’s expectations, childhood memories, pressure.”

In other words, the adult child can feel pulled between the wishes and expectations of the spouse and those of the parents.

And if the in-laws are toxic — meaning they engage in “chronic, consistent and erosive behavior” — they may not easily back off if their wishes and expectations go unfulfilled, says Ms. Forward, whose book outlines various types of toxic in-laws and explains why they are the way they are.

In fact, the toxic in-laws may use whatever technique it takes — including guilt and manipulation — to get their way, Ms. Forward says.

But if their wishes truly do not match what you and, especially, your spouse want, don’t give in, Ms. Forward advises. Because in the end, painful compromising to please the in-laws will only hurt your marriage, she says.

“Learn to tolerate your guilt, because guilt will go away,” Ms. Forward says. “What won’t go away is the erosion of your marriage.”

Jenna Barry, author of “A Wife’s Guide to In-Laws: How to Gain Your Husband’s Loyalty Without Killing His Parents,” agrees.

“It’s very important for the marriage not to say ‘no’ to your spouse so you can say ‘yes’ to your parents,” says Ms. Barry, who uses a pen name to protect her own marriage. She adds that if you have to make a choice, that choice should be clear.

“Because it’s impossible to please everyone, it’s important to focus on being a great spouse rather than a parent pleaser,” Ms. Barry says.

If the adult child, though, keeps putting the parents’ demands and wishes before the spouse’s, the problem can be much deeper and more troublesome than just pesky in-laws, Ms. Forward says.

“You have to ask yourself, what does it mean if your partner keeps putting their parents first?” She then answers her own troubling question: “It means you don’t have a marriage.”

Let’s hope it won’t come to that.

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