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Sage Advice

Answers compiled by Kelly Jane Torrance, who also composed the questions.

We've split up after 23 years together. We're a little shocked at how shocked everyone is.

We suppose two-plus decades is a long time - especially in this business. We were one of the few Hollywood relationship success stories. And some might wonder why we're splitting up now. She's 63, he's 51. It might seem old to start fresh. Especially since she's rumored to be involved with someone half her age. But how else does one stave off the thoughts of death?

- Susan Sarandon and

Tim Robbins

Dear Susan and Tim,

In every parting there is an image of death.

- George Eliot

I simply cannot believe I was treated in such a way. I was actually escorted off a plane over the holidays. Yet I was not the one acting like an animal.

There were children running through the aisles and screaming on a flight I was on. I tried to give them the discipline their parents wouldn't. Actually, all I did was curse at them. They certainly deserved it.

But the flight attendant got upset with me, rather than the children and their parents. It is ridiculous. So I was kicked off the plane, while the animals remained. Is this justice?

- Ivana Trump

Dear Ivana,

Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

- Mark Twain

I keep picking the wrong women - the ones who just don't listen. I spent most of Christmas Day in a jail cell after my wife called the cops on me. The arrest papers say I held a knife to her throat and threatened to have her killed - by the kind of ex-cops who know how to do it right. I was upset that she had threatened to divorce me. I've already been through a nasty divorce with actress - I mean, reality star - Denise Richards.

It wasn't the first time I've been accused of getting violent with a woman. My engagement with Kelly Preston was broken off after I shot her in the arm - accidentally, of course. Denise also accused me of threatening her.

I'm sick of the way these women have treated me. I'm a high-powered movie and television star. Shouldn't they be doing what I tell them? I certainly provide them with the good life.

- Charlie Sheen

Dear Charlie,

Do you beat your own wife as you would a slave? That must you not do.

- Muhammad

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