ON ReMARRIAGE: Embrace rivalries within stepfamily

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By Paula Bisacre

People are still talking about the Super Bowl. What a game! With the Pittsburgh Steelers' longest play in Super Bowl history and a great touchdown catch with seconds left in the game, it was thrilling to watch.

To our family of seven, though, it wasn't quite as exciting as last year's Super Bowl, which pitted the New England Patriots against the New York Giants. In our family, we have a native Bostonian stepfather and stepsons with familial ties to New York. Our shared enthusiasm over that 2008 game shows that not all stepfamily rivalries are bad.

But rivalries in new stepfamilies don't always make for cherished memories. It can be stressful for one family's youngest child to become a middle child, or another family's oldest child to become a middle child. Even if two stepsiblings are simply close in age, there are unique challenges.

At some point, most children will perceive that someone else in the family, including their new stepparent, is getting more attention than them.

Naturally, in any family, biological siblings can become jealous of each other, but the competition seems to go up a few notches in a forming stepfamily.

My husband and I often have likened our stepfamily's dynamics to American psychologist Bruce Tuckman's "forming, storming, norming, performing" model of group development. My elementary knowledge of this model, from the perspective of management theory, is that a team must go through these stages for it to grow, tackle problems and identify solutions.

I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist, but I really do wonder whether anyone has looked at how this model applies to stepfamilies.

Our family certainly has weathered its share of storms in many aspects of stepfamily life. In my last column, I mentioned that some experts say it can take up to seven years for a stepfamily to blend successfully.

Blend? That sounds like a smoothie to me. I hear more often from stepparents who feel like they are storm-chasers experiencing an F5 tornado.

Stepfamily formation has been one of the toughest things I have ever experienced. Yet, with love, time, dedication and commitment, it also has been one of the most rewarding.

It is family moments like the ones spent at Camden Yards that remind me of the benefits. Nothing can compare to the feeling I get when I am sitting in the stands, sandwiched between two die-hard, high-fiving Red Sox fans and two loyal-to-anyone-but-the-Red-Sox fanatics. The family rivalry doesn't stop there — at our kitchen table, my Orioles place mat is flanked by two Red Sox place mats on one side and two Yankees place mats on the other. Need I say more?

It is through such staunch competition that wonderful bonds have formed over the past few years. The competition has turned friendlier and is accompanied by more smiles. With time, growth and evolving emotional maturity (from everyone, including me!), I think we are heading into the "smoothie" realm. Seemingly, professional sports has been a gift that helped our remarriage through the stages of forming, storming and norming with our children.

Of course, rivalries aren't limited to remarriages with children; tug-of-wars occur in every marriage. But, with remarriage, it can be particularly challenging to change old patterns. How many remarried people, already experienced and shaped by their separate adulthoods, are set in their ways, and absolutely positive that their methods of handling something, such as finances, are the only way?

Chuck Semich, a licensed clinical social worker and author of reMarriage magazine's advice column, put it best when he said, " … while differences can be the source of intense, sometimes damaging, conflicts, they can potentially serve to move both individuals to a healthier place."

I can attest that remarrieds will benefit from adjusting their playbook along the way. With patience, hard work and a desire to succeed, rivals can end up hugging and sincerely feeling mutual respect. So, with a smile on my face, I reread our family's office whiteboard, which currently proclaims, Red Sox stink! Patriots stink! Jets and Yankees rock! Boo Celtics! Go Knicks and Wizards!

• Paula Bisacre, founder of Remarriage LLC, is the publisher and executive editor of reMarriage magazine (www.remarriagemagazine.com), a quarterly publication that provides practical solutions for the growing remarriage community. She can be reached at publisher@remarriagemagazine.com.