- Joel Osteen church victimized in $600K theft
- Obama goes shopping at Gap as minimum-wage thanks
- N.J. woman charged after client dies from black-market butt injections
- CIA chief Brennan ‘determined’ to speak out more this year
- Reset? What reset? U.S.-Russia ties at worst since Cold War
- 9/11 terror plotter released in Syrian prisoner swap
- D.C. elections board gives green light to marijuana legalization initiative
- Elephants can tell difference between human languages: study
- Libyan prime minister ousted by parliament
- Men’s Wearhouse to buy Jos A Bank for $1.8B
OUT OF CONTEXT: Warning: The following material is simulated. Don’t try this at home.
Sometimes you have to pretend in order to be polite.
The other day, I was talking to a co-worker in my office when his stomach gurgled.
It wasn’t a short, muffled gurgle — you know, like somebody trying to whisper while drinking a glass of water.
No, it was a long, loud, “look at me, I’m talking!” gurgle — the kind where you suspect the “gurgler” has swallowed a midget who is now yelling for help. “Let me out of here! I’m not food!”
Stomach gurgles sometimes really sound like a person talking — usually a drunken radio announcer with Tourette’s syndrome. This one was like that.
Politeness calls for pretending deafness to stomach noises, which I did. Unfortunately, I am what’s known as a “sympathetic.” I unintentionally tend to “mirror” people around me. If someone yawns, I yawn. If someone sneezes, I sneeze.
And if someone’s stomach gurgles …
So as I was ignoring my co-worker’s stomach noises, my own stomach erupted with its own “Save me! I’m too young to digest!” I wasn’t hungry because I had eaten recently, but my stomach still responded.
I am certain my co-worker ignored my gurglings as I ignored his. So we continued our conversation while our stomachs continued theirs:
His stomach: “This is not what I was expecting.”
My stomach: “Actually, it’s not so bad in here. I’ve got cable.”
His stomach: “Not likely. It’s probably spaghetti.”
My stomach: “You’re right. My bad.”
About the Author
Carleton Bryant is the assistant managing editor for strategic planning and development/special projects for The Washington Times. He previously served as The Times’ Metropolitan desk editor, Features desk editor and an assistant National desk editor, as well as a National and Metropolitan reporter. He currently writes a humor blog and weekly humor column — both titled “Out of Context” — ...
- Taiwan's defenses weaker against Chinese attack, ex-VP says
- Bangkok ablaze in anarchy
- Briefly — Asia
- World Briefs
- OUT OF CONTEXT: I crashed the White House State Dinner, and all I got was a T-shirt and a lousy pict
Latest Blog Entries
By David Keene
Conference showed that the values Reagan cherished still endure
- House Democrats trying to force unemployment insurance vote
- Kim Jong-un calls for execution of 33 Christians
- FCC targets black conservative in TV station fight
- Hillary Clinton campaign received funds from Jeffrey Thompson
- Sharyl Attkisson resigns from CBS after months of talks
- U.S. pilot scares off Iranians with 'Top Gun'-worthy stunt: 'You really ought to go home'
- Senate Democrats, Republicans spar over restoring unemployment benefits
- PRUDEN: Missing airliner, stolen passports fuel wild speculation
- Atheists sue to remove 'Ground Zero Cross' from 9/11 museum
- Obamacare enrollment hits 4.2 million, but slowing
Pope Francis meets his 'mini-me'
Celebrity deaths in 2014
Winter storm hits states — again