- The Washington Times - Sunday, January 18, 2009

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I take driving personally — especially my morning and evening commutes.

I’m constantly talking to other drivers. Through their cars.

“Hey, Mr. New York License Plate. This is Maryland. We go on green lights.”

“You’re not going to let me merge, are you? You’re going to pretend you don’t see me. Really? Really? How about I hold up this finger? See me now?”

“Oh, I don’t mind, Mr. F-150, if you cut across three lanes of traffic right in front of me so you can catch that off-ramp over there. Braking and swerving are what I do best. Don’t mind my screams.”

“Look, Lexus Lady, ‘middle of the road’ is a political position, not a driving strategy. Pick a lane.”

“There’s a stick near your left hand. It’s the turn indicator. Use that instead of your special mental powers, Kreskin.”

“Hey, BMW Guy. I know you’ve got a fast car, but you wanna back off my rear? If you were any closer, you could inspect my colon.”


Did you hear about this? A New York City judge last week ruled that Bernie Madoff, the guy who’s accused of committing a $50 billion fraud, can remain out on bail in his Park Avenue penthouse instead of jail.

Prosecutors wanted to revoke Madoff’s bail because he mailed more than $1 million in jewels and heirlooms to family and friends during the holidays. They said the jewels and heirlooms were assets that Madoff could have used to repay duped investors.

Madoff’s attorneys said the mailing was an innocent mistake.

I think we’re seeing the opening theme of Madoff’s defense — an innocent mistake. Why not? It’s worked once already.

I can understand how Madoff made his mistake because I often mail heirlooms and jewels to family and friends when I’m under house arrest. It happens.

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