- The Washington Times - Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

I’ve been sentenced to 150 years in prison. That’s a pretty harsh punishment — the judge even called me “evil” in giving it to me. I think it’s actually too harsh. After all, I didn’t commit a violent crime. I didn’t assault anyone, and I didn’t murder anyone. I was just trying to get rich. Isn’t that the American way?

- Bernard Madoff

Dear Bernard,

Money often costs too much.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I can’t believe this. My son just died, at only 50 years old, and people have the nerve to criticize me. It seems people are bothered that at a couple of events discussing and celebrating my son Michael, I happened to mention the work I’m doing with my own record label. I thought that self-promotion was accepted these days. Isn’t that all people do on those newfangled social networking sites? All I’m trying to do is explain that the Jackson legacy won’t die with Michael - some of the rest of us, like the guy who pushed him into music in the first place, are pretty talented, too.

- Joe Jackson

Dear Joe,

The passion of self-aggrandizement is persistent but plastic.

- Charles Horton Cooley

My movie is set to be the most popular of the year - and one of the biggest moneymakers of all time. I should have unalloyed happiness at this news, but I don’t. You see, the critics have savaged “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,” and that makes me a little angry. After all, box-office receipts and exit polls show millions of people love this film. So what right do the critics have to go against the grain here? Doesn’t the audience love I’m getting prove I’m actually a pretty talented director?

- Michael Bay

Dear Michael,

If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.

- Dorothy Parker

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