- The Washington Times - Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Redskins handing $41 million in guarantees to now-indicted Albert Haynesworth isn’t quite as funny as the Nationals handing a $1.4 million bonus to a Dominican “prospect” with a fake identity, but it’ll do for now.

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Speaking of the Redskins, somebody told me they’re trying to unload the last of the Jason Taylor replica jerseys on their Web site.

To which I replied: “What’s the price, a second-round pick this year and a sixth next?”

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Actually, the jerseys have been marked down from $71.99 to $19.99, making them almost as big a steal as Taylor walking away with $8 million last season for 3.5 sacks.

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To the team’s credit, there’s a story about Haynesworth’s automotive adventures on Redskins.com. When I checked Friday night, I found it strategically placed between “Jay Cutler Puts House on Market” and “After Birth of Twins, Travis Henry Now Has 11 Kids by 10 Women.”

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Now we know the real problem with the Broncos quarterback: brains (or the lack thereof). I mean, who would try to sell his home in this economy if he didn’t have to?

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You can almost predict how the whole soap opera will play out in Denver. Cutler will sulk his way through the season, Mike Shanahan will be back coaching next year and the two will be reunited - kinda like Robert Wagner and Natalie Wood, only without the accidental drowning.

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FYI: The Cutler manse is 7,500 square feet - almost as big as the red zone (9,600).

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Henry, meanwhile, has been jailed for failing to pay child support and, on top of that, faces federal cocaine trafficking charges. You know, I’ve gotta be honest. If I had 11 kids by 10 women, I’d probably be facing cocaine trafficking charges, too.

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About the only thing sillier than trying to sell a house nowadays is trying to start a football league. But the folks behind the United Football League sound mighty determined. They’ll begin play this fall, they say, with four teams and have signed former NFLers Denny Green, Jim Fassel, Jim Haslett and Ted Cottrell to coach them.

The salary cap will be between $12 million and $20 million, depending on how many liens are placed against Michael Vick.

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Franchises will be located in New York, Orlando, Las Vegas and San Francisco. New York, apparently, will comprise the East Division, Orlando the South Division, Las Vegas the Mountain Division and San Francisco the West Division.

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Ben Affleck, pride of Cambridge, Mass., in Esquire magazine: “I’m not a crazy, crazy pro football guy. I mean, I like the Pats. I followed the Pats this year without Brady, yeah. My father made a lot of money, he ran a little book, and in the end he just learned to bet heavy against New England when I was a kid. So Steve Grogan and his bad knees bought us our first VCR and first washer-dryer before my mother threw him out. So that taught us from a young age to view pro football with disdain and was just an opportunity to view Patriots fans as fans who would bet with consistently broken hearts, no matter what.”

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According to NHL statistics, more than one in five fights this season have occurred immediately following a faceoff. So the league is considering cracking down on such behavior by handing out 10-minute majors to players who square off right after the puck is dropped.

Yeah, that’s one way to address the problem, I suppose. Me, I’d just do away with faceoffs and have a possession arrow instead.

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Can you believe the marathon game between Syracuse and Connecticut in the Big East tournament? Guess we know now why UConn coach Jim Calhoun - whose hefty salary was in the news a while back - makes the big bucks. Just look at how much overtime the man puts in.

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Six overtimes, to be exact, were required to settle the contest. The most impressive stat of the night: Syracuse guard Jonny Flynn: 67 minutes played, only two fouls.

Usually by the end of games like that, so many guys have fouled out that teams are forced to play the student manager, the faculty rep and the mascot.

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And as often as not, they end up being guarded by the other team’s trainer, graduate assistant and sports information director.

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The second most impressive stat: The Huskies had five - count ‘em, five - double-figure rebounders. (Jeff Adrien, Stanley Robinson and Hasheem Thabeet had 14 each, Kemba Walker 11 and Gavin Edwards 10.)

I’d love to know the last time that happened at any level - that is, other than in a game the New Jersey Generals were throwing to the Globetrotters.

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Am I the only one who thinks that, after the fourth five-minute overtime, there should be a second halftime so another fan can be pulled out of the stands to hoist a halfcourt shot?

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And if he makes it, everybody goes home. The game is declared a tie.

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Either that or the outcome should be decided by the coaches playing a game of H-O-R-S-E.

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Here’s the best thing about a six-OT game in the Big Apple: You never have to worry about missing last call. Not only are there 8 million stories in the Naked City, there are nearly that many bars open to all hours - for just such situations. (And also in case anybody needs an alibi.)

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Number of the Week: 38.

(Average points scored by Tulsa, the second-place finisher in Conference USA, the last two times it played Memphis. The Golden Hurricane lost 63-37 Feb. 11 and 64-39 Saturday in the title game of the conference tournament.)

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A comment isn’t really necessary, is it?

OK, then how about this one: For the record, Davidson’s Stephen Curry has - all by his lonesome - topped 38 points on seven occasions this season.

That good enough for ya?

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Elsewhere in hoops, Hall of Famer/D.C. native Dave Bing, a candidate for mayor in Detroit, admitted last week it was “not correct” when he claimed to have an MBA.

What he meant to say, I’m sure, is that he has a master’s in NBA - an MNBA. Close enough.

And finally…

Even so, if I were Dr. J., I’d lay low for a while.

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