- The Washington Times - Sunday, May 10, 2009

Our language is a curious thing.

For instance, “to mother” means to care for and nurture a child.

But “to father” simply means to fertilize the egg from which a child develops.

Therefore, a man can “mother” a child; however, a woman can’t “father” a child. Except Rosie O’Donnell.

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A word of advice to first-time fathers: When you’re in the delivery room with your lady waiting for her contractions to come closer together, DO NOT ask the doctor, “Why do they call this labor?”

I still wish I had worn a protective cup when I asked.

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London’s the Sun newspaper reported last week that British moms are outraged over a new Barbie doll that sports a variety of tattoos.

Totally Stylin’ Barbie and her friend Nikki come with 40 tattoo stickers and temporary “tattoos” for the girls who own them.

“What’s next? Drug Addict Barbie? Alcoholic Barbie?” asked an angry mother.

What’s next? Why, Crystal Meth Barbie, that’s what. She comes complete with a Malibu Meth Lab and little meth pipes for herself and her owners. Neato!

Most of the tattoos appear across the small of Barbie’s back, making them what’s known as “tramp stamps.” You can probably insert your own joke here.

You know, Barbie is more than 50 years old, and she should know better. Even Cher covers up most of her tattoos these days.

I just wonder what Ken thinks about all this.

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Have you heard about Nadya Suleman — the woman they call “OctoMom” because she had eight babies this year?

You know, the nickname “OctoMom” sounds like she should have eight legs and squirt ink.

If only that had been her claim to fame.

Now that she has 14 children, she’s expecting a lot of cards for Mother’s Day — mostly business cards from diaper services in her area.

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When you’re a kid:

• Why is it that when your mom feels a chill, you’re the one who has to put on a coat to go outside?

• How is it that your mom knows what you’re up to even before you know what you’re up to?

• Why is it that your mom sends you to school and makes you do your homework, only to ask “Are you getting smart with me?”

• How can your mom make an injury feel better by kissing it but your dog licking it makes it feel worse?

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Here’s an interesting fact for Mother’s Day: Anna Jarvis of West Virginia originated Mother’s Day early in the 20th century, then spent the rest of her life campaigning against the commercialization of the holiday. She died without ever having any children.

I guess she didn’t want any spoiled, ungrateful brats forgetting about her on her special day.

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What if animals could celebrate Mother’s Day? What would their Mother’s Day cards say?

Baby crocodile: “Hey, Mom! Thanks for not eating me when I came out of the egg. You’re the best! Now stop crying. You’re starting to scare me.”

Baby robin: “Mom, I really appreciate your regurgitating your food down my throat, but could you lay off the milkweed? I think I might be lactose intolerant.”

Baby platypus: “Oh, thanks a lot, Mom! Look at me! I’m a platypus! What were you thinking? I’m going to need years of therapy to get over this!”

Baby lion: “Mom, thanks so much for the all the food you’ve provided. I hope that some day soon we can go out and kill something together. Hugs and kisses”

Baby rabbit: “Happy Mother’s Day, from No. 4 of 6. I’m glad you’re no OctoMom because I’d be afraid of getting lost in the crowd.”

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I have a longtime friend whose mom gets him to do stuff by guilt-tripping him about how long she was in labor with him.

But she’s added about three hours to her labor-delivery story each year, so now she’s up to a week and a half of having been in labor. She could have given birth to the Washington Redskins’ offensive line with that much labor.

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Many girls say they are afraid of becoming like their mothers, and then they grow up and do just that. Why?

Because they have kids.

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Here’s another interesting fact for Mother’s Day: A 19th-century Russian farmer’s wife holds the record for having the most children — 69! She had 16 sets of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets, a total of 27 pregnancies.

For most of us, that’s an amazing feat. For OctoMom, it’s a record to be broken.

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Some people say that every day should be Mother’s Day. I agree.

Let’s make every day of the year Mother’s Day, just as long as the day after is Father’s Day.

You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and cbryant@washingtontimes.com — but only on Father’s Day.

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