DEAR MS. VICKI: Wife at wits' end over relocation

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By Vicki Johnson

Dear Ms. Vicki,

This is the first time I've ever reached out to anyone, especially a stranger. I am very angry, sad, hurt and confused because my husband will be making a permanent change of station move to Fort Bragg, N.C.

I have already decided my son and I will not move with him, mainly because I have a great job and I'm in nursing school and should graduate late next year. It makes no sense to keep starting over again and again, even though I love and want to support my husband. We have been married almost five years and my husband will have served two yearlong tours in Iraq. The unit he will be assigned to is on orders to deploy again next year.

Doesn't the Army understand what they are doing to our soldiers and to families? Don't they even care? I think we have a good, strong marriage, but this would be difficult on anyone.

My mom always says, "Put on your big-girl britches and hold on." Well, I'm not my mother, and this is not the Army of 30 years ago. This is very different. I'm at my breaking point. I am really afraid that this deployment so soon after the last is going to push my limits.

He will be at Fort Bragg for a three- or four-year assignment. What am I to do? I'm alone in this big city and far away from my family and friends. I didn't want to live on post, but I decided to because we thought it would be safer for me while he is gone.

Doesn't my husband deserve to sit back for a while and enjoy his life with me? It doesn't seem fair to his health, sanity or our marriage that we have to go through this deployment stuff all over again. — Only Wanting Normal

Dear Normal,

Don't feel embarrassed by your feelings; the range of emotions you are feeling is very normal and experienced by many. Don't blame yourself. Your experiences have been tough, I know firsthand. There is not a military spouse out there who doesn't totally understand your resentment, frustration and anger.

You need to put together a strong wellness plan that focuses on mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. To keep going, you are really going to have to reach deep within as well as reach out to others, including close family and friends. Try to arrange visits from family and friends and vice versa.

You must keep talking about your feelings; don't hold back on them. It really helps to verbalize, even if it means screaming, yelling and crying. Try to exercise as often as you can, this really helped me during the deployments. Get plenty of rest. Focus on the spiritual, too, by focusing on the faith that guides you.

Talk to your husband. Let him know how you feel, and encourage him to do the same. It's important for the two of you to be "a bridge for each other."

Even though your husband will be at Fort Bragg, tell him to get you connected with his unit's family readiness group there. They will be a source of information and you may be able to connect with a few of the spouses across the miles and keep in touch by e-mail and phone.

Your co-workers can be another source of support. I know my co-workers were lifesavers for me in many ways.

Let me also make a book recommendation. Check out "A Family's Guide to the Military For Dummies" by Sheryl Garrett and Sue Hoppin. I love this book; it has everything in it from A to Z, including coping with deployments and separation. Also check out www.military.com and www.militaryonesource.com for resources and information.

Listen, I'm not saying it's fair, and I'm not saying, "Just get over it." I know it's hard! You are not alone; I totally understand and wish you well. Keep in touch.

• Send e-mail to dearmsvicki@yahoo.com.