- The Washington Times - Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Answers compiled and condensed by Kelly Jane Torrance, who wrote the questions.

My parents said all I had to do was hide in the attic for a few hours and all my dreams would come true. The world would fall in love with me, I’d get all the toys I could play with and I’d even get on TV. I love TV. We all do, here.

I just had to tell a small fib - that I was in a balloon that accidentally took off with me in it. They said if I got on “Larry King Live,” I’d get lots of toys. We did it! We got on. But lying made me nervous, and by mistake I said something about the whole stunt being my dad’s plan to make us famous. What should I have done? Obey my parents and get lots of stuff? Or tell the truth?

- Balloon Boy

Dear Balloon Boy,

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.

-Henry David Thoreau

I want to kidnap my daughter. But not in a bad way.You see, Lindsay needs help and no one else in the family is going to give it to her. It might seem pretty sad, but even though I can’t stop talking about our private business in public, I’m the only Lohan who wants to take action to get her detoxed. The problem is, she took my language seriously and she’s now apparently seeking a restraining order against me, so getting a hold of her could prove very difficult.

How does one go about grabbing someone, anyway? Do I need a getaway car, a safe house, that kind of thing?

- Michael Lohan

Dear Michael,

You only need a few people to effect a kidnapping.

- Robert Bourassa

This is so embarrassing. I’ve been stripped of my Miss California crown, but that’s not the most upsetting thing. In trying to make me look bad and justify their actions, the pageant authorities told everyone they paid for me to get breast implants. I’ve made a big deal - some might say a new career - out of being a committed Christian, so they thought revealing that would make me look like a big (breasted) hypocrite.

I’ve sued them for spilling the beans and now they’re countersuing - asking me to pay them back for the implants. I’m tempted to just take them out and give them back - but then I wouldn’t look right, would I? I am supposed to look like a Miss California, after all, and just having blonde hair and a white smile wouldn’t do it, right?

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