- The Washington Times - Monday, October 26, 2009

Three weeks ago, the Washington Redskins brought in an offensive consultant - “another set of eyes” - when they took former NFL offensive coordinator Sherm Lewis out of a Michigan bingo hall and brought him to Redskin Park to offer advice to coach Jim Zorn and this dysfunctional team’s dysfunctional offense.

Now Sherm Lewis is calling the plays.

We can see that Redskins owner Dan Snyder puts a lot of value on consultants, so he should put in a call to Hollywood buddy Tom Cruise and call in another consultant to save a franchise that sets a new standard every day for rock bottom.

Snyder needs Cruise to call in his good friend Oprah.

What ails this team goes far beyond the football field. If that wasn’t common knowledge before, the whole nation has had a chance to witness it with the whole Sherm Lewis debacle and the soap opera that played out last week between Zorn and his bosses, Snyder and executive vice president of football operations Vinny Cerrato.

Zorn gets called into a meeting after last Sunday’s 14-6 loss to the lowly Kansas City Chiefs, and based on who you believe, either he was asked by Cerrato to think about giving up his playcalling to Lewis - or else he would get hit over the head with his contract - or he was told he will give up the playcalling - or else he would be fired and not even be given a parting gift of granola bars to take back to the Pacific Northwest.

This is the kind of deep, personal conflict that gets taken care of every day by Oprah. And since Cruise is so tight with the princess of peace, he could put in a call for Snyder to get all the parties together to iron out all these misunderstandings. And surely Snyder could appreciate the marketing value of this.

Imagine on the stage of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” - Dan Snyder, Vinny Cerrato and Jim Zorn.

Oprah: “Hello! How are you? Welcome to the show. Hey, guess what you guys, Tom Cruise is here!”

Cruise walks on the stage as the audience goes wild. He goes over to Snyder and gives him a hug, and they both start jumping from couch to couch.

Oprah: “Oh, that Tom, he’s so much fun. And he knows just what to do to lighten the tension in here. And believe me, people, there’s tension. We’ve got the people that run one of the most storied football franchises in America up here, and today we’re going to help them find a way to get along. Today we’re going to fix the Washington Redskins.”

Chants of “Sell the team, sell the team” erupt in the audience.

Oprah: “Now, let’s give them a chance, everyone. … Let’s be nice or else you won’t get the presents I’ve got for all of you when you leave the show today - club level tickets for a Redskins game!”

Chants of “We want to leave, we want to leave” erupt from the audience.

Oprah: “Hey, girlfriends, I know it ain’t easy. But we can fix these men, can’t we?”

Story Continues →