- The Washington Times - Monday, October 26, 2009

Three weeks ago, the Washington Redskins brought in an offensive consultant - “another set of eyes” - when they took former NFL offensive coordinator Sherm Lewis out of a Michigan bingo hall and brought him to Redskin Park to offer advice to coach Jim Zorn and this dysfunctional team’s dysfunctional offense.

Now Sherm Lewis is calling the plays.

We can see that Redskins owner Dan Snyder puts a lot of value on consultants, so he should put in a call to Hollywood buddy Tom Cruise and call in another consultant to save a franchise that sets a new standard every day for rock bottom.

Snyder needs Cruise to call in his good friend Oprah.

What ails this team goes far beyond the football field. If that wasn’t common knowledge before, the whole nation has had a chance to witness it with the whole Sherm Lewis debacle and the soap opera that played out last week between Zorn and his bosses, Snyder and executive vice president of football operations Vinny Cerrato.

Zorn gets called into a meeting after last Sunday’s 14-6 loss to the lowly Kansas City Chiefs, and based on who you believe, either he was asked by Cerrato to think about giving up his playcalling to Lewis - or else he would get hit over the head with his contract - or he was told he will give up the playcalling - or else he would be fired and not even be given a parting gift of granola bars to take back to the Pacific Northwest.

This is the kind of deep, personal conflict that gets taken care of every day by Oprah. And since Cruise is so tight with the princess of peace, he could put in a call for Snyder to get all the parties together to iron out all these misunderstandings. And surely Snyder could appreciate the marketing value of this.

Imagine on the stage of “The Oprah Winfrey Show” - Dan Snyder, Vinny Cerrato and Jim Zorn.

Oprah: “Hello! How are you? Welcome to the show. Hey, guess what you guys, Tom Cruise is here!”

Cruise walks on the stage as the audience goes wild. He goes over to Snyder and gives him a hug, and they both start jumping from couch to couch.

Oprah: “Oh, that Tom, he’s so much fun. And he knows just what to do to lighten the tension in here. And believe me, people, there’s tension. We’ve got the people that run one of the most storied football franchises in America up here, and today we’re going to help them find a way to get along. Today we’re going to fix the Washington Redskins.”

Chants of “Sell the team, sell the team” erupt in the audience.

Oprah: “Now, let’s give them a chance, everyone. … Let’s be nice or else you won’t get the presents I’ve got for all of you when you leave the show today - club level tickets for a Redskins game!”

Chants of “We want to leave, we want to leave” erupt from the audience.

Oprah: “Hey, girlfriends, I know it ain’t easy. But we can fix these men, can’t we?”

Chants of “Oprah, buy the team, buy the team” erupt from the audience.

Oprah: “Let’s find out what is going on here. … Tom, Dan, if you could stop jumping on the couches, I’d like to ask Dan a question. … Why is there so much animosity directed toward you?”

Snyder sits down and points to Cerrato.

Cerrato: “Dan has never spoken to the media during the season for over a decade now. And Dan’s thing is, he feels that during the season, the stage belongs to the head of football operations, the coaching staff, the players. That’s why he doesn’t talk, all right?”

Oprah: “OK, Vinny, you don’t have to get snippy about it. I’m not one of vultures, you know. I’m Oprah. I’m a dove. … You sound frustrated.”

Cerrato: “Everybody’s frustrated. The owner’s frustrated. He wants nothing more than to win for the fans. For the fans. He wants to please these fans, and he’s so frustrated because of the struggles. … Dan constantly talks about how disappointed he is for the fans. And we’ve got great fans. We feel the frustration for the fans, and we need the fans big-time Monday night. We want to entertain them. We want to make them proud.”

Oprah: “Let’s bring on one of those entertainers you paid $100 million, defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.”

Haynesworth walks slowly onto the stage and sits down.

Oprah: “Albert, why haven’t things worked out for this team?”

Haynesworth: “I… I… (wheeze, wheeze).”

Oprah: “Can someone please get Albert an oxygen tank? Dr. Oz, can you please come up here and help Albert off the stage and make sure he’s all right? Let’s get to the third member of this triad of trouble, coach Jim Zorn. Jim, it looks like you have been, quite frankly, embarrassed by your bosses with this decision to take away your playcalling and turn it over to a retired offensive coordinator and current part-time bingo caller. How do you feel about that?”

Zorn: “I’m going to comply with that.”

Oprah: “Comply with what?”

Zorn: “I don’t necessarily have a reaction to that because I am the head coach. … I have a contract. It says what it says. I wouldn’t even begin to try to answer that question.”

Oprah: “Girls, this may be beyond me. We’ve got an owner who doesn’t talk, a general manager who thinks he is an entertainment director and a coach who is doing everything he can short of chewing off his own tongue not to say how he really feels. There’s too much negativity here even for me to fix. … Somebody give them Dr. Phil’s phone number.”

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