Dear Ms. Vicki, My husband returned home from his fourth deployment in July. After 12 years of marriage he wants a divorce. I don’t know where this is coming from because I thought our marriage was just fine. We have five children and I’ve always been a stay-at-home mom, which is what he wanted. He said the children need their mother to be at home and he would be the breadwinner.
He left our home earlier this month, took all of his clothes, and, can you believe it, he took his recliner, too. I am devastated and I don’t know where to turn. I grew up without my father and I don’t want my children to live the same fate.
My husband has been my everything. He is my first true love and the only person who really knows me. He says he is living with his girlfriend. Yes, Ms. Vicki, my husband has moved in with this woman.
Who is she and why did I never see this coming? I feel so betrayed and angry. At the same time, I am shocked and numb. I’m crying and can barely pull myself out of bed to get the children ready for school in the morning. My kids are my strength and they help keep me going, but this is stressful.
I contacted his unit and they said my husband is a Marine and it’s his business; there is nothing they can do. After 12 years am I supposed to just move on? I recommended we go to counseling. I’m willing to do anything right now. He said no and don’t ask him anymore.
He keeps saying it’s over and he is not coming home, but he is willing to be fair to me with child support and spousal support until I can get on my feet. Could post-traumatic stress disorder be making him act this way?
It’s like he has lost his mind. He doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink and he is a church deacon. What happened to this man I love? He is totally a different person. Please help me Ms. Vicki - Your Fallen Comrade
Dear Comrade,
My heart goes out to you. I can’t make a diagnosis of PTSD, but I’m sure your husband has some combat stress. In my professional opinion, you don’t deploy four times and not have some symptoms.
Listen, I know you are in pain, but I have to be honest. It doesn’t matter what his symptoms are, and it doesn’t matter if he is a church deacon, sings in the choir or is on the church usher board, it sounds like he has checked out of this marriage.
What you must do right now is begin to make some decisions that will be beneficial to you and your children. You have to take care of yourself. Dwelling on anything else would be detrimental.
I’ve known many spouses — men and women — who sit, wait and pray, hoping for their spouse to come to their senses. If it doesn’t happen, they find themselves in divorce court unprepared.
Please do the following. Make an appointment with your primary care physician and discuss your symptoms - crying, sleeplessness, can’t pull yourself out of bed. I think you are experiencing some depression. This is important to your mental, physical and emotional health.
Second, you must seek some legal advice. Right now, his unit will not get involved and even if it did, he still could choose to continue on this path. Moreover, there is nothing legally binding him to pay you any type of support right now; you can only depend on his word. With his current actions, I don’t think you should believe anything he says.
Finally, you should speak with a professional therapist or counselor and seek support from close family and friends. Seeking spiritual guidance also would be great.
Contact Marine and Family Services on base and ask about individual counseling. If it’s not available, call Military OneSource (800/342-9647). Professional counselors and therapists are available 24/7 to help you; they also can refer you to a provider in your community.
I know what you are experiencing is not fair to you or your children. I also know that nothing I can say right now will make you feel better, but hang in there. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.
Reader responses
• I have always been impressed with your sage advice. It has always been on target and a great help to our airmen, sailors, soldiers and marines, but you had a slight misstep recently.
To quote “Family Matters” (Oct. 15): “I won’t call my family trailer trash because that would be too disrespectful on my part, especially since I am from their blood. However, they are rural in their thinking and in my opinion its hurting future generations of family.”
I am sure it is your practice to confront prejudice and stereotyping in your column, or, at a minimum, edit the offensive language out of the published letter - but in this case, you missed it.
When, pray tell, did “rural” become a derogatory term? What does “rural” mean here? To me, for the most part, it means wide-open spaces and self-sufficient, family-oriented, independent people. Most rural people do not represent the type of people portrayed by this letter writer. You should have called him out on his prejudice and stereotyping or redacted the offensive slur.
I enjoy your column, but this one disappointed me. - Lt. Col. Lowell G. Sensintaffar, U.S. Air Force Medical Corps, and a one-time rural Missouri farm boy
• Ms. Vicki, the comments in your Oct. 22 column make me sick and you make me sick, too. … So what if this lady is dating a married man? He had no right to slap her and you are condoning abuse. Shame on you, Ms. Vicki. This lady is sharing her deepest, darkest secrets with you. What do you do? You chastise her like she is a little girl. She is a grown woman and you are incapable of being impartial. Maybe you are so angry because your husband has cheated on you.
• Hi Ms. Vicki, I’m an avid reader and fan of yours, but I think you missed the mark Oct. 22 in your advice to the Ten-Miler. I’m sure she has changed her attitude because of her accomplishments. She is probably acting arrogantly, haughty and feeling like the world should bow down and kiss her rump!
This happened to one of my friends who lost 150 pounds. She was a shrinking violet and depended on everyone to help her with her self-esteem. I always encouraged her to exercise and lose weight. Well, she did and then kicked me and everyone else to the side. All of a sudden we were “haters.” I’m 5’9” and I’m in a size 14. I have no reason to hate her just because she is now a size 8. I am very proud of her to this day.
To the Ten-Miler, let me say: Get over yourself and move on. Set another goal. Life is ever-moving. - Janet in Sterling
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