Tom Knott: Woodson will sing with right conditions

The Redskins are taking it one question at a time with practice squad quarterback Andre Woodson this week.

Question No. 1: Is anyone inspired after Eli Manning throws an incomplete pass on third down and trudges off the field with that hangdog, sad-sack, woe-is-me look?

Question No. 2: When the locker room is clear of reporters and other miscreants, do all the Giants start reminiscing on Plaxico Burress, cracking that he is the Barney Fife of the NFL after shooting himself in the thigh?

Question No. 3: When the television camera pans to Giants coach Tom Coughlin, showing him to be in some sort of discomfort yet eternally bland, is it because he suffers from hemorrhoids?

Question No. 4: Football coaches treat all their players the same - like dogs. Does Coughlin waive this rule with offensive guard Chris Snee, his son-in-law?

These are just a few of the questions being posed to Woodson, who could be working as a double agent.

After all, he has plenty of friends in the Meadowlands.

David Carr already has sent a text message to Woodson that read, “Don’t give out our secrets, Wood.”

That leaves Woodson with an ethical dilemma.

He wants to be loyal to his friends in East Rutherford, N.J. He has fond memories. Remember that time Burress shot himself in the thigh in a Manhattan nightclub? And yet the Redskins are his new employers. They are signing his checks. Or they are signing his check in Week 1. There are no guarantees after that if he provides misleading or vague information on the Giants.

Just to be certain about the accuracy of the information, the Redskins probably will have no choice but to place Woodson on a wooden slab, with feet slightly raised above the head and cellophane wrapped on the face, and employ the waterboard method on him.

Or they could resort to the horrifying measure of placing a dog collar around his neck and parading him around by leash with panties on his head.

Otherwise, the Redskins cannot be certain that what Woodson is telling them is straight, even if he is saying all the right things.

“Right now, anything to help the Redskins out, I’m willing to do,” he says.

Jim Zorn, the principal spin doctor of the Redskins, thinks too much is being made of the connection between the 11th-hour signing of Woodson and the Giants looming as the Redskins’ season-opening opponent.

Zorn insists the Redskins have had an interest in Woodson since he was in college, whatever that means. Zorn has had an interest in mountain biking for the longest time. But that does not mean he will be signing a mountain biker anytime soon.

Zorn says the addition of Woodson is about enhancing the Redskins’ depth.

You know what they say in the NFL?

A football team is only as strong as its practice squad quarterback.

“He might be able to help us a little bit,” Zorn says of Woodson’s knowledge of the Giants.

Or he could help a lot.

He could help with the snap count and audible calls of the Giants.

“We’re not going to put him under a microscope,” Zorn says.

Who said anything about putting him under a microscope?

What you do is put Woodson in a confinement box, stick what is said to be a stinging creepy crawler in it and then wait until he sings like a bird.

That is what you do with Woodson.

And never mind Eric Holder, the U.S. attorney general. This is the NFL.

Coughlin knows the drill. Or is the word grill?

“A guy doesn’t get in the door two seconds, and he is in a classroom being grilled,” he says.

And so it is with Woodson.

Question No. 5: Are the Giants ever going to build a memorial to honor Jimmy Hoffa, who is buried in one of their end zones?

Blink once to indicate yes, blink twice to indicate no.