- The Washington Times - Sunday, September 13, 2009

You know those studies that come out now and then that report something everybody already knows — like “butter is slippery” or “beans cause gas”?

Well, another one came out last week: A new study shows that men lose the ability to think clearly when they talk to attractive women.

Really? Really?

Really. A team of Dutch psychologists tested the memory skills of 40 heterosexual men before and after they spoke to attractive women and found a marked decline in mental ability after they tried to impress the women. In a very real sense, the men lost their minds.

In a similar test, women showed no changes in mental ability in talking to handsome men.

The Dutch psychologists surmised that evolution has programmed men to expend so much thought in trying to attract a mate that we have very little brain power for anything else.

We’re like the Tex Avery cartoon of the wolf whose head explodes when he sees a pretty she-wolf.

It’s not our fault, ladies. It’s our nature. And it’s nice to have some scientific data to support that.

Now whenever a guy forgets his name when he’s introducing himself to a pretty woman, he can just say it’s just the product of centuries of evolution and natural selection — if he can remember to say anything at all.

Nobody ever needs to ask “What was he thinking?” whenever a man makes a fool of himself in the presence of a pretty woman, because the answer is scientifically self-evident: “Not much.”

When I was a kid, I used to try to get the attention of pretty girls by falling off a bicycle. I thought I’d win their sympathy or make them laugh. THAT’s how stupid we get around pretty girls: We think they’re attracted by skinned knees and dislocated shoulders.

•••


The New York Daily News reported that Swiss officials say that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi will ask the U.N. to abolish Switzerland when he visits New York this month. (Yeah, I did a double-take on that one, too.)

Gadhafi will ask the U.N. to divide Switzerland among Italy, France and Germany. Swiss officials say he’s angry that Swiss authorities arrested his youngest son, Hannibal, on charges of beating two servants in a Geneva hotel with a belt and a coat hanger.

Wow, I’d hate to rely on whatever scale Gadhafi used to balance those two items: “Arrest my son? Abolish your country. Yes, that’s even.”

Still, I’m relieved that Gadhafi has a good reason for abolishing Switzerland. I was afraid he might have had other issues. “Who put these holes in my Swiss cheese? Speak up!”

I mean, you’ve got to wonder about a guy who takes over a country as a colonel and, in 40 years of dictatorship, never promotes himself to general. Is that a lack of ambition or a lack of vision? After all, Colonel Sanders has done all right, but General Tsao was thinking big from the start.

•••


Did you see the story about the players in the Lingerie Football League? They say their sports endeavor is all about the game, not the skimpy outfits they wear when they play it.

Really? Really?

Really. The women say that their skills on the gridiron probably won’t be the main draw for their audience, since their seven-member teams compete in sports bras and short shorts. (I think they might have read the first item in this column.)

The fledgling Lingerie Football League — born from the “Lingerie Bowl” commercials aired during the Super Bowl’s halftime — is fielding 10 teams bearing names such as the Dallas Desire and the San Diego Seduction.

Well, with team names like the Seduction and the Desire, you know this Lingerie League has got to be all about the football. I am certain that every red-blooded American male who watches will be taking the players seriously.

I don’t doubt that the women in the Lingerie Football League are athletes. I just wonder if they’ve thought about the consequences of playing full-contact football and the only padding they have is in their bras.

It’s not that the Lingerie Football League emerged from a series of beer commercials. Lots of sporting events have their beginnings in beer. Curling — where one guy slides an iron across a sheet of ice while two other guys sweep a path for it — had to have been invented during a kegger at an ice rink. There’s no other explanation for it.

I’m just wondering what the Lingerie League will show during halftime — because they haven’t left much to the imagination as it is.

•••


A new study last week gave me some hope.

It shows that people with small thighs have a greater risk of developing heart disease — and dying early — than people with big thighs.

Scientists have found that people whose thighs measure less than 23.6 inches around are more likely to contract heart disease and die prematurely than people with larger thighs.

I think the study’s findings were printed in a report titled “Lord of the Thighs.”

Fashion designers have to be rethinking their craft because this means that skinny jeans could be heart stoppers.

You know, a fuller thigh is more attractive than a leg that looks like a pencil. Stick people are drawn without clothes all the time, and nobody ever gives them a second look.

This news is going to increase sales of Thigh Masters. Just you wait and see.

Just don’t go overboard about building up your thighs. Remember, “thunder thighs” refers to the sound they make when you walk.

•••


Just before he resigned last week, President Obama’s green jobs czar — Van Jones — renounced a statement he had signed onto that demands an “immediate inquiry into evidence that suggests high-level officials may have deliberately allowed the September 11th attacks to occur.”

Jones said the statement, which he signed on 911Truth.org, does not reflect his views “now or ever.”

That’s weird. Guess he must have signed it in his sleep or something.

Here are some other things he’s renounced:

• Bell bottoms

• Asparagus

• Casual Fridays

• and, of course, the profit motive.

People who suspect the government was involved in 9/11 are called “truthers,” and people who suspect Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii are called “birthers.” What are people called who suspect there’s too much conspiracy theory in our politics? “Canadians,” I suppose.

You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and cbryant@washingtontimes.com — but only if you’re looking for the Swiss chocolate.

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