- The Washington Times - Sunday, September 20, 2009

WCBS-TV’s Web site has a photo slide show titled “World’s Most Useless Facts.” I just love it because in this business, you tend to collect a lot of useless facts — and it’s nice to see them all in one place.

Here’s a sampling (with my comments):

• The first soup ever made was made from hippo meat. (They know this because nobody has ever eaten it. By the way, the first fruitcake also was made from hippo meat.)

• The average adult produces about a half liter of intestinal gas a day, resulting in about 14 occurrences of flatulence a day. (I am the above-average adult.)

• Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. (That’s just her maiden name. Her complete full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts Hefner Castro Blagojevich Gosselin. Yeah, you could say she’s made some mistakes.)

• Hundreds of years ago, only the wealthy wore underwear. (Back then, most people went commando because it was a more violent time.)

• It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (Apparently it is impossible to urinate that way too — at least, for my son.)

• A slug has four noses. (And every one of them is runny.)

• The sensitivity of a woman’s middle finger is reduced during certain times in her reproductive cycle. (This explains my wife’s display of her middle finger whenever I mention her in my column.)

• Research shows that plants grow healthier when they’re stroked. (One of the researchers got too involved with a subject of the study. He married a fern. They’ve started a garden together.)

• Uranus has 27 moons. (I’m not going there.)

• Tony the Tiger has a wife, a son (Tony Jr.) and a daughter (Antoinette) who were in early commercials for Frosted Flakes. (Unfortunately, Tony ate the rest of his family while trying to maintain a strict diet. “They’re GR-R-REAT!” he said.)

• A passionate kiss burns 6.4 calories per minute. (Do NOT tell my personal trainer. He’s nuts about burning calories. And he’s got a mustache.)

• The first toilet being flushed in a motion picture was in the movie “Psycho.” (Yeah, that’s what I remember about that movie — the toilet flushing scene. Scary.)

• A turtle can breathe through its butt. (Um … I’m speechless.)

•••


Former “reality” TV star Nicole Richie has given birth to her second child, a boy she and her husband have named Sparrow.

Richie, who appeared in “The Simple Life” with Paris Hilton, and hubby Joel Madden of the band Good Charlotte also have a daughter, Harlow, who turns 2 in January.

In an unsurprising development, the other babies in the hospital nursery have already kicked Sparrow’s butt.

Sparrow. That’s going to look so good on his driver’s license.

•••


Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he’s the best prime minister his country has ever had, despite the many sex scandals that have dogged his administration.

Berlusconi has dismissed claims by Italian businessman Giampaolo Tarantini, who said he brought women to Berlusconi’s parties and paid them to have sex with the prime minister. Berlusconi said he has never paid for sex in his life.

Maybe Berlusconi is telling the truth about never having paid for sex. But since his wife is seeking a divorce, it looks like he’s about to start paying for it.

The Italian prime minister is accused of bedding a sizable number of, um, “professionals” as well as young models and would-be politicians — at least one of whom is young enough to be his great-granddaughter. At 72 years old, Berlusconi is in serious danger of breaking a hip.

I’m thinking that Viagra is involved. A lot of it.

At least he hasn’t said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Still, it’s hard to believe that Berlusconi is going around bragging that he’s the best prime minister that Italy’s ever had. Apparently, he doesn’t know that Italy tells that to all of its prime ministers.

•••


Linda McMahon, the chief executive officer of World Wrestling Entertainment, has stepped down to run for a U.S. Senate seat from Connecticut, the WWE has just announced.

Mrs. McMahon, a Republican, has announced her candidacy, and her husband, Vince McMahon, will perform her CEO duties in addition to his duties as chairman of WWE.

A wrestling executive as a U.S. senator? Well, if Jesse “The Body” Ventura can be governor of Minnesota …

I just hope that Mrs. McMahon doesn’t run for office with The Undertaker. It wouldn’t help the health care debate.

Maybe the incumbent — Democratic Sen. Chris Dodd — will get some help from Triple H or the Edge. Or maybe even Countrywide.

Having a wrestling executive in the Senate could make things in both areas more lively. The “body slam” could be renamed “the filibuster,” and a cloture vote could be held in a steel cage match. Sweet!

You can reach Carleton Bryant at 202/636-3218 and cbryant@washingtontimes.com — but only if you’re the below-average adult.

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