OUT OF CONTEXT: Don’t pay attention to anything I say. I sure don’t.

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Athletes can be very spiritual after a sporting event — but only if they’ve won the game.

In post-game interviews, they’re quick to thank God for a victory. (“It was a close game, and I just want to thank the Lord for being there for us tonight. He really came through in the fourth quarter, when it looked like we might lose this thing. That ‘Hail Mary’ pass? Magic … or, um, you know, divine intervention.”)

I kinda like the idea of God choosing to support one team over another. It explains the Buffalo Bills losing four consecutive Super Bowls in the ‘90s.

But you never hear anyone on the losing team blame God for the loss. I guess they want to stay on God’s good side for the next game — you know, keep their options open.

Still, it would be interesting to hear a player lay the blame on God. (“Yeah, we lost tonight. We lost big. And it’s one person’s fault — the Lord. He did not show up to play tonight. His head just wasn’t in the game and … Is that a lightning bolt?”)

What if God picked teams, you know, like we did in school? That would be daunting. Lots of pressure.

God: “Thou shalt play right field.”

Thou: “But, um, I’ve got only one arm — and it’s in a cast.”

God: “Do not put thy God to the test. Thou shalt play right field.”

Thou: “But I don’t even like baseball.”

God: “Right field.”

Thou: “But I’m an accountant. And this is a soccer pitch.”

God: “Sigh. Just forget it then.”

But it would be worse if God didn’t pick you at all. Then you’d have to join that “other” team — you know, Oakland.

•••

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About the Author
Carleton Bryant

Carleton Bryant

Carleton Bryant is the assistant managing editor for strategic planning and development/special projects for The Washington Times. He previously served as The Times’ Metropolitan desk editor, Features desk editor and an assistant National desk editor, as well as a National and Metropolitan reporter. He currently writes a humor blog and weekly humor column — both titled “Out of Context” — ...

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