WETZSTEIN: Still searching for formula to family success

Cheryl Wetzstein

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The first results of a massive, federally funded study into relationship dynamics of 5,000 low-income couples have been released.

It shows that there’s a lot to learn: In seven of eight sites of the Building Strong Families (BSF) study, the couples who got relationship education, mentoring and other benefits ended up with outcomes “almost identical” to those of similar couples who didn’t get the services.

Disappointment probably doesn’t begin to express the reactions to the study, released May 24 by Mathematica Policy Research.

I say this because I had a chance to spend some time with the people at the Baltimore BSF site. Everyone I met — from the BSF program leaders to the young parents to the activists assisting the program — genuinely poured their hearts into this unprecedented program.

They knew they were bucking some formidable trends — 70 percent of black children are born to unmarried parents — but the couples I saw were ready to address problems like how to trust each other with money, or how to speak to each other with kindness and humor instead of rejection or rage.

On one visit, for instance, I observed a couple telling the BSF class about their “chore wars.”

Sometimes, the dad said, after he had cleaned the living room and the dining room, she would ask him to start on the kitchen and bedroom too. And, another time, he said, he did all the dishes every day for two weeks “and didn’t hear anything.” But when he let the dishes go for two days in a row, “she complained.”

“I clean up a lot,” the mother retorted, noting how she was always busy with their toddler and newborn.

And, she added indignantly, “I always clean the bathroom.”

“Yes,” the father said, suddenly agreeable. “I try to leave it for you.”

The whole room burst out laughing.

Then one of the program leaders, himself married, seized the moment to tell the fathers that their helping around the house would probably increase their odds for romance in the bedroom.

This resulted in guffaws from the men and hoots of joy from the women. “Yes, it’s a turn on,” one woman said, nodding her head vigorously at her man.

Sadly, despite these lively lessons, the Baltimore BSF did the worst of all the eight sites: Compared with couples who didn’t get services, the Baltimore BSF couples were less likely to stay together and had poorer co-parenting experiences and more assaults on women.

In fairness, the Baltimore couples came to the sessions with less going for them, the Mathematica study said. For instance, only 38 percent of Baltimore couples were married or thinking they would marry each other when they came into the study. Among the 5,000 BSF couples, about 61 percent were married or expecting to wed.

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