- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 15, 2010

After watching 64-year-old pop-singer Cher appear at the at MTV Video Music Awards scantily clad in a jeweled outfit that would make grandma turn in her grave, we’ve come to the conclusion that certain personalities should take a final bow and retire from the public eye. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, we suggest a few others who might want to join Cher in obscurity.

  • Mick Jagger— At the World Cup in South Africa the 67-year-old rocker was dubbed “the angel of death.” Every time he turned up at a stadium his favored teams - England, USA and Brazil - all crashed out. Time for Jagger to take his place in a deck chair on the local village green.
  • Willie Nelson— At age 77, the country singer should not go “On The Road Again.” In May, Nelson cut off his signature back-length braided hair for a bob cut. That’s a start. Now just give him a tractor and field to plow.
  • Bob Dylan— The ‘60s troubadour started “The Never Ending Tour” on June 7, 1988, and he hasn’t stopped touring since. He can no longer sing (could he ever sing?), and his classic tunes are unintelligible when performed live. We salute Dylan as one of the greatest, but it’s time for him to unplug his guitar and gargle regularly.
  • Donald TrumpTrump this and Trump that, “The Donald” has properties boasting his name all around the globe. If that’s not enough, he’s all over television with his show “The Apprentice.” Trump should fire himself.
  • Big Bird — Since 1969 the 8-foot-2-inch bright yellow canary has been entertaining America’s kids with that nasal twang. Isn’t it time for this bird to ruffle his feathers and fly away? Just joking, kiddies.
  • Harrison Ford — His star power has waned and his latest films have been disappointing. Ford’s next project is “Cowboys and Aliens,” a sort of “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” meets “The Searchers.” We suggest he does some of those AARP commercials.
  • Vladimir Putin — Isn’t it time for Russia to have a new face? The former president who’s now prime minister of Russia, just loves to be in the public eye. He’s shown us his muscles. We’ve seen him perform judo, hunt whales and ride a Harley. Maybe it’s time for the former KGB officer, who once argued that Stalin’s purges pale in comparison to the United States’ atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, to retire to his dacha.
  • Kate Gosselin — She gave birth to sextuplets and twins and we’ve never heard the last of it. She’s writing books, touring the country, hosting a TV show, cutting a rug on “Dancing with the Stars” and flaunting her body on a beach. Seriously, shouldn’t this mom be keeping an eye on all those kids.
  • Paris Hilton — She’s famous for being famous. OK, we get it.
  • Joaquin Phoenix — The Golden Globe winner says he quit acting to explore his hip-hop career. According to People magazine, in his latest film, “I’m Still Here,” a documentary into his descent into self-pity, the actor “appears to be a man deep in mental illness.” Phoenix seriously needs help and a long vacation.
  • Lindsay Lohan — She’s only 24, but the actress has generated more press for her drunken driving and drug rehabilitation visits than for her movies. Just when we thought she was being a good girl, she signed up to play porn star Linda Lovelace, star of “Deep Throat,” in the film “Inferno.”
  • Prince — He changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol and we all went along with it. Prince recently said the Internet is “over” and has refused to allow digital access to his music. The fact is, Prince may be over.
  • Kim Jong Il — Call him what you like: Supreme Leader, Dear Leader, Father of the People, the Great General, but let’s face it, the North Korean dictator needs to check into a retirement home in Pyongyang. Word has it, that Kim’s youngest-known son Kim Jong-un, is ready to replace him.
  • Harry Belafonte — He went from being a Calypso singer to an angry radical leftist. He praised Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez; called George W. Bush a “terrorist,” and referred to Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice as house slaves. It’s time Harry to give us one last round of “Day-O” and call it a day.

Compiled by John Haydon, who may never retire.

Sources: Toronto Sun, Daily Mail and news articles.