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Let Stallone handle al-Qaeda

- The Washington Times - Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Are you tired of the predictable enemies in movies these days? The CIA, the defense industry and corporate America are the quintessential nasty guys in cinema coming out of Hollywood in recent years. To help out our politically correct, Brandeis-educated Hollywood scriptwriters, we've come up with a list of real problems for our silver-screen heroes to battle against, along with some possible story lines.

  • Al-Qaeda in "Blood in the Khyber" — A terminally ill retired New York City firefighter, played by Sylvester Stallone, sneaks into Waziristan, in northern Pakistan, bent on revenge for his fallen comrades who died on Sept. 11. Bodies pile up in the Khyber Pass as a hellbent Stallone makes Rambo look like Mister Rogers.
  • North Koreans in"Avenge the Cheonan" — A combined unit led by American and South Korean marines (an ensemble cast featuring Mark Wahlberg and Daniel "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" Henney) slips across the DMZ to track down the bad guys who torpedoed South Korea's Cheonan and sent 46 sailors to their watery grave.
  • Vuvuzelas in "The Sound of Melting" — After suffering hearing loss while attending the World Cup in South Africa, truck driver George Crankshaft, played by "Seinfeld" co-star Jason Alexander, travels to China determined to find out where these plastic trumpets are produced and put an end to the irritating sound.
  • FBI's Most Wanted List in "The Badge and the Gun" — Driven out of the FBI by bureaucrats who say he's too old, agent Dick Driver, played by Bruce Willis, has a point to prove. Suddenly the FBI's Most Wanted List is being dwindled down as sought-after felons turn up in body bags or handcuffs outside FBI offices. Driver now faces the wrath of the bad guys and his FBI superiors.
  • Graffiti artists in "Paint Your Own Wagon, Loser" — Train-engine driver Sam Smith, played by Robin Williams, works hard, pays his taxes and plays by the rules ? until now. When he finds his new train vandalized by graffiti artists, he takes on an arsenal of spray paint cans to teach these punks a lesson. When the paint finally dries in this movie, the culprits are scarred with a multihued mark that would make Zorro proud.
  • Online porn pushers in "Nude Rampage" — After his daughter is lured into the world of hard-core pornography, veteran computer wizard Neo Gates, played by Matthew Broderick, declares cyberwar on the flesh merchants. An expert hacker, Gates is intent on taking down as many porn sites as possible. Things turn nasty when the pornmiesters track him down and let the spam fly.
  • Mexican drug cartels in "The Magnificent Seven: 2010" — In this remake of the Western "The Magnificent Seven," George Lopez plays the mayor of a Mexican border town who hires a group of mercenaries to help him battle drug traffickers terrorizing his people. A bald Jimmy Smits reprises the Yul Brynner role, while Robert Downey Jr., as the Kirk Lazarus character from "Tropic Thunder," plays one of the seven hired gunmen.
  • Chinese army in "Made in China" — Mild-mannered Finnerman Winnerstill, played by Rowan Atkinson of "Mr. Bean" fame, likes to collect the ceramic birds sold at his local Dollar Store. When he hears Chinese ceramic workers are being sent to re-education camps and factories are being relocated into the hinterlands because of labor strikes, he joins a former martial-arts-champ-turned-kiln-operator, played by Jackie Chan, in leading a workers uprising against the Chinese Army.
  • Pakistan Taliban in "The Vigilante of Lahore" — After seeing his beloved city of Lahore suffer yet another terrorist attack, a famed Pakistani cricket star, played by Dev Patel of "Slumdog Millionaire," replaces his bat with an M16 as he goes in search of the bombers. The bad guys find out that this guy is not just good at hitting cricket balls.

Compiled by John Haydon, whose brother died in the arms of Lloyd Bridges in the famed 1968 World War II film "Attack on the Iron Coast." 

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