- - Thursday, August 16, 2012

Can’t you just hear President Obama’s speech to the U.S. Olympic athletes when they visit the White House? He’ll point to their gold medals and say, “You didn’t win that. Government did it for you. We built the Olympic training center the roads that lead to it we provide the coaches and team doctors. Since we won the medals for you, please place them in the communal pot behind the stage. These medals are now the property of the United States government.”

But wait. There’s more. With ultraliberals, there is always another lecture. Mr. Obama cares so much about “fairness,” “equality” and “social justice,” he can’t possibly allow a teachable moment to pass without a lecture.

“I want all the champion gold-medal winners to share their winnings with the losers. Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte come on down. You guys are Exhibit A. It’s the collective, not the individual that is important. All those gold medals you won hurt a lot of feelings. You are dividers, not uniters. You’re greedy. You should feel guilty for not slowing up enough to let others win a few medals too. We’ve got to spread the gold around.

Michael and Ryan, you’re going to make $50 million off these Olympics. But that’s just not fair. What about all the other U.S. Olympians who will make nothing? The rowers, the fencers, the curlers. We can’t have winners and losers. Everyone should share in your success. So

“Here is my executive order. Michael and Ryan, in the interest of equality, you will both give 50 percent of your $50 million endorsement money to the rest of the Olympians. That takes care of the Olympians, but remember, without our bean-counting bureaucrats and egomaniacal blowhard politicians, you would never have won a thing. So, of the amount you have left, you have to give 70 percent to the IRS. I think that’s paying your fair share. You owe us.”

But then Mr. Obama couldn’t help himself: “One more thing. I am taking this opportunity to announce my new Executive Order for Social Justice. It isn’t fair that there are so few African-American swimmers and so few white track athletes and basketball players. I am ordering the U.S. Olympic Committee to no longer determine who makes the Olympic team based on talent. From this day forward, it must be based on quotas and affirmative action. You must set aside 50 percent of all swimming spots for black athletes and 50 percent of all track and basketball spots for white athletes. And, of course, I’m also mandating a few token slots for Latinos, Asians and American Indians.

“For far too long, the Olympics have been about talent, regardless of race. That was wrong. That was offensive. That was then. Now they will be based on social justice. Who says people want to see good swimmers? I think they’d rather see a rainbow of diversity and equality.

“And, one last thing: taxes. Each medal winner has to pay a $25,000 tax on your medals — you know, those gold things you no longer own. Just because you work harder and smarter than the next guy you will no longer be allowed to hurt people’s feelings by beating them. Win, and you will be punished with massive taxes.

“Finally, by executive order I’ve also added a United Nations carbon tax to your taxes due. Each of you polluted the world and caused a dramatic increase in global warming with your carbon footprints traveling to Europe. So, whether you won a medal or not, each of you is fined $10,000. Make the check out to Michelle Obama.”

As the White House press conference ends, the athletes are depressed and bewildered. The entire Olympic team, now with no incentive ever again to train past the point of exhaustion, retires en masse. Mr. Obama is thrilled. It is exactly as he planned. By retiring at such a young age, the athletes remind him of government employees. He promises them pensions for not working for the rest of their lives and, of course, that guarantees them as Democratic voters.

Thinking of the hope and change he has just created — fairness, equality, social justice, the joy of the collective and, of course, the full credit now assigned correctly to government for all those Olympic triumphs — brings tears of joy to Mr. Obama’s eyes. He thinks to himself, “Gosh, isn’t this great. The Olympics are now just like my economy. Talent is replaced by fairness. It’s great to be God!”

And now you know exactly how every business owner in America feels under Mr. Obama.

Wayne Allyn Root, former Libertarian vice-presidential nominee, is author of “The Conscience of a Libertarian: Empowering the Citizen Revolution With God, Guns, Gold, Gambling & Tax Cuts” (Wiley, 2009). He writes at RootForAmerica.com.